Aug. 17th, 2015 06:40 pm
I really want Shale's VA to voice a Homeworld gem.
*describing a Grey Warden dream* "Well that doesn't make any sense. Lapis is fused with Alistair at the bottom of the ocean."

Also: There had been an extremely tall mountain impossibly visible at the same point in the background throughout the game. If you climbed it instead of going to the Landsmeet, you'd find that at the top was the Golden City, very pretty and pearlescent and high-tech, and eerily empty and dim regardless of the weather and time of day.

Loghain had beaten you up there in search of Thedas's Denizen (sigh) and had fused with it. Morrigan and Alistair were like "okay. we're definitely killing this thing. it pisses us both off, for different reasons."

Leliana: "what. what the fuck. what the actual fuck.

i don't mind killing it no."

Read more... )
As promised here. (rememberwhenyoutried​, sadjadewithcake​, and azurelunatic​, you have not yet supplied me with characters!)


[personal profile] inklesspen​: "Imagine Dave and Terezi introducing each other to Earth-style or Alternian-style gummy worms, though."




DAVE: dude you can still put the fuckin gummy worms on trial if you want ain’t nothing stopping you



[personal profile] nostalgebraist​: "Apparently I had a DW all along and just didn’t remember it, but I still demand fanfic. Only constraint: it must involve Dennis."

This Homestuck-or-Dragon Age prompt is shockingly substandard!

GREY WARDEN: hey old human, who lives in that castle over there, and also is it full of fuckin monsters i am supposed to kill

DENNIS: I’m thirty-seven, I’m not old!

GREY WARDEN: oh my god i am SO SICK of being in a bioware game i do NOT need that information, i mean they didn’t even give you a unique facial mesh, just answer my goddamn monster castle question WITHOUT giving me your name and age and a bunch of details about your local government and your opinions thereupon

MORRIGAN: (+15 Approval)
Shale: So here is a question for the painted elf…
Zevran: Painted elf? Oh, that’s me! I do like that.
Shale: Am I to understand correctly that the painted elf is a “crow”?
Zevran: Not literally, but… yes. I am a Crow.
Shale: As in a bird.
Zevran: Is there another sort?
Shale: So the painted elf assaults helpless statuary with its feces?
Zevran: If given sufficient cause, why not?
Shale: That is outrageous! The painted elf will stay away from me. Or else.
Zevran: (Sighs) I get a lot of that.

Read more... )

Feb. 9th, 2015 05:24 pm
Is there a DA2 mod that fixes it so Hawke doesn’t run “sexily,” which apparently means “knees tied loosely together”

Edit: Found it.

Feb. 7th, 2015 10:56 am
Dreamed that Fenris refused to participate in a DLC campaign which had been written by Paarfi.

Hawke: dude no

Hawke: you can’t just leave the party because you don’t like the *narrative voice*

Fenris: i definitely can

#Also Kefka from FFVI was there #which actually makes more sense now that I'm awake.
So obviously the canonical DA2 ending is the one with the most bad conversations and avoidable emotional strife, so Hawke should hatefuck Anders and then tell him and Sebastian both to fuck off.

But I like the Isabela romance best; she just seems like the best fit for sarcastic!Hawke, in terms of emotional maturity and tidily-convergent personal histories.

But I also do not want to break Isabela and Fenris up, because they’re pretty adorable together?

But I also also do not want Fenris to be by himself post-game, because that is his whole Positive Character Arc, being able to feel a sense of belonging in this awful little social group?

But Isabela also feels exactly the same way, she’s just somehow even more brain-fucked than the amnesiac elf and never quite expresses it openly?

Basically, it should be possible for Hawke, Isabela, and Fenris to all be married simultaneously post-game. Like Hawke’s insistence on also making out with Anders sometimes was the only thing that stood in the way of this triple-marriage, and now that he’s fucked off they can be happily self-destructive shitheads on Isabela’s boat together.

(Has anyone written fanfic for this)

#also agender hawke should be possible #afab so as to have grumpy half-elf babies #who will turn out to be mages #causing fenris brain problems #isabela wants to use them to blow up qunari #'let's go find merrill to train our children in how to wreck shit' #hawke is like 'maybe not merrill but yeah that sounds okay' #fenris climbs up in the crow's nest and doesn't come down for like days #urinates on isabela's head and stuff

Feb. 5th, 2015 09:34 am
Is Varric ace, or did he just edit The Actual Bianca out of his story because he initially wasn’t sure how far Cassandra wanted to take the Scheherazade thing?
I just played through the mage Warden origin for the first time. Hahaha wow.

If he lives through DAI (and I know nothing about this except that the lyrium consumption thing finally becomes plot-relevant) then I guess logically in the next game he’s a sad *werewolf*, due to Teresa Edgerton.

# cullen/ceilyn w/e

Feb. 4th, 2015 03:42 am
It occurred to me that there were no horses in DAO or DA2, so maybe I shouldn’t make Dorfwarden say “horseshit.”

But when I looked it up, apparently they appear in DAI? Way to fuck up a sterling horse-free record, Bioware.

# fucking horses they think they can go wherever they want

Feb. 3rd, 2015 10:44 am
CARIDIN: There. It is done. Give it to whom you will. I do not wish to hear their name, or anything more of them.

ALISTAIR: oh, we’re just going to put it on top of a piece of coprolite and say it’s king, apparently

DORFWARDEN: shut the FUCK up alistair GOD

ALISTAIR: sorry bad assumption are we going to say the rock’s QUEEN

ALISTAIR: are we going to support your brother or the other one


ALISTAIR: you must have thought about this

DORFWARDEN: dude you suck fuck off

SHALE: I, too, am very excited to hear its clear-minded and impartial opinion of this situation.



DORFWARDEN: what do you call it when a rock is full of shit

SHALE: Coprolite, yes? Potentially bituminous coal or lignite, though I assume it’s rare for it to form in precisely that manner.

DORFWARDEN: right exactly but you also though

ALISTAIR: as loath as i am to interrupt this high-minded conversation could you please tell me what we’re doing here

DORFWARDEN: dude you’ve been standing right fucking behind me every awful fucking conversation i’ve had

DORFWARDEN: you tell me

ALISTAIR: i don’t know i don’t know anything about dwarves

DORFWARDEN: yeah weirdly i didn’t know anything about humans until like a few fucking months ago

DORFWARDEN: yet somehow man


ALISTAIR: are you going to finish that sentence

DORFWARDEN: what sentence

ALISTAIR: the one you started with “somehow”

DORFWARDEN: fuck you


DORFWARDEN: hey alistair are you fucking KING yet

Read more... )
LELIANA: Beloved, don’t you have another shield?

DORFWARDEN: yeah a few


LELIANA: I’d feel better if you used your nice new silverite one, is all. It’s. Heavier! I worry about your safety.


DORFWARDEN: you think we’re gonna be fighting shit in my awesome enlightened home city that’s the best city in the whole FUCKING world

ALISTAIR: i think that actually yes

DORFWARDEN: man shut up

LELIANA: Isn’t that the shield with the Aeducan clan arms on it?



DORFWARDEN: maybe??? who cares

LELIANA: A lot of dwarves, I think! What are you going to say when they ask you about it?


DORFWARDEN: what the fuck do you think i’m going to say

DORFWARDEN: “my dad sent me this ancient family heirloom as he lay on his deathbed cuz he belatedly recognized my brother’s treachery and TOTALLY wished he’d made me his heir when he had the chance”

DORFWARDEN: “thus throwing a huge explosive fucked-up kink into this whole shitty war of succession we’re supposed to be delicately negotiating as neutral parties”

DORFWARDEN: “i’m the heir it’s me”

DORFWARDEN: “suck it bhetch”

SHALE: “Bhetch?”

DORFWARDEN: yeah i combined bhelen’s name with bitch there

Read more... )

Feb. 2nd, 2015 05:37 pm
My canonical DA2 ending is one where sarcastic!rogue!Hawke hatefucks Anders, supports the mages, angrily dumps him after he does 9/11, and then lets him live and tells Sebastian to go fuck himself in his imaginary fake city he’s in charge of. It just makes the most sense to me.

Also, she pisses Merrill off until she breaks the mirror, because I want Merrill to not be completely fucked in the head.
DORFWARDEN: hey gorim do you have any jewelry that is like nugs

DORFWARDEN: like a ring with a fucking nug on there

GORIM: Well, let’s see…

DORFWARDEN: i think you need to give humans you’re gonna marry rings is the thing it needs to be a really good nug ring

WYNNE: Are you genuinely planning to propose to that young woman with a ring with a nug engraving?

DORFWARDEN: fuck you wynne she likes nugs and this shit is romantic as BALLS

SHALE: As the recognized expert at mortal romance that I am, I approve of this plan. It will certainly lead to many fleshy squishy noises that will make Alistair sad.

GORIM: I’m sorry, my Lady Aeducan, but it doesn’t look like we’ve got any. We have a lot of these elephants in fetal positions, however - if you’ll be in town for a few days, we could get one altered?

DORFWARDEN: okay lemme see those

Jan. 31st, 2015 05:10 pm
*Attempts to restrain self from writing ashen Fenris/Hawke/Isabela/Anders shit in which Hawke and Isabela are taking turns being the middle leaf and fucking up in basically similar ways because they both have the emotional intelligence of purebred Saint Bernards.*

Jan. 31st, 2015 01:54 am
The optimally-healthy relationship path for Hawke is “piss off some fucking wizards.”

# i am replaying with the aim of pissing off anders and merrill to the greatest possible extent # without also pissing off aveline # aka 'the only decent person in the room'
Isabela and Fenris are dating because they bonded over their shared experience of being the only fucking characters who never have to put a doomed loved one out of their misery in a horrific depressing cut-scene.

Aveline - husband
Anders - first love
Merrill - mother-figure
Hawke - mother, potentially also sibling
Varric - potentially brother

Fenris does have the option of murdering his long-lost sister, though! And Isabela can be in the party while you betray her BFF, though he always survives the encounter.

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