I Am Completely Serious

perhaps-inevitably called "Blossom Blast."

I do not know what Flowerbomb smells like, but I really like this stuff. It's basically vanilla and tea, and then the perfumer kept adding floral/gourmand stuff until it started smelling bad? And then hit "undo" exactly once. I could spray it to ward off muggers because it would harm the muggers' self-esteem to smell like this. It is also pink.

This is the strongest perfume oil I have ever worn. I touched the roller lightly to my wrist and am now permanently a teapot.

Apparently I've had Obsession confused with something else forever, so I don't know if this smells like it. The actual stuff is supposed to be cinnamon-y, which isn't really the case with this. It's both pleasant and familiar, though: vanilla/floral/sandalwood-musk-based incense.

It makes me think of lawyers, unfortunately. One of the guys at at the firm wears loads of something very close to it.

definitely smells like Angel, but, I guess, with a piece missing? And a weird off-ish "cloudy" overtone.

...actually, what it smells like to me is perfume with "vanilla-y" notes that's been sitting in a cabinet for years. This $1 knock-off Angel might be old. How could the Dollar Tree betray me this way.

Since the cat was trying to eat it and he knows best, I just tried on the fake C5. It smells about right, to my fuzzy recollection? I don’t own any of the real stuff to compare it to, and I’ve only tried it on myself once, but the scent is properly initializing the expected traumatic scent-memories of being induced to hug and/or make conversation with strangers at family and political events.

(I don’t like C5. Or White Diamonds. They should back off and stop asking me how my horse princess book is. I am trying to read my horse princess book.)

So, an attempt was made! The Dollar Tree’s perfume supplier is not just dumping random stuff into these bottles. And they didn’t overdo the aldehydic elements to the point of harshness, like a dupe I tried a few years back.

It’s already wearing off, though. If I wanted a fake C5 with staying power (I don’t), I’d probably order some oil from one of those Etsy or eBay shops.

The reviews are hilarious:

"THEY ALL SMELL THE SAME"

"WHY ARE THE BOTTLES ALL SEVERE-LOOKING GRAVEN IDOLS OF HER"

"SHE HAS RELEASED SEVEN PERFUMES IN THREE YEARS"

"I HAD TO TURN THE BOTTLES TO FACE THE WALL I FELT LIKE THEY WERE LOOKING AT ME"

"I THINK THIS ONE IS JUST THE LAST ONE AGAIN WITH A DIFFERENT WIG ON, CAN SHE EVEN DO THAT"

"THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE EYES

HOW DO THEY SEEM SO JUDGMENTAL"