I Am Completely Serious

ALISTAIR: so

ALISTAIR: are we going to support your brother or the other one

DORFWARDEN: ugh

ALISTAIR: you must have thought about this

DORFWARDEN: dude you suck fuck off

SHALE: I, too, am very excited to hear its clear-minded and impartial opinion of this situation.

DORFWARDEN: shale

DORFWARDEN: shale

DORFWARDEN: what do you call it when a rock is full of shit

SHALE: Coprolite, yes? Potentially bituminous coal or lignite, though I assume it’s rare for it to form in precisely that manner.

DORFWARDEN: right exactly but you also though

ALISTAIR: as loath as i am to interrupt this high-minded conversation could you please tell me what we’re doing here

DORFWARDEN: dude you’ve been standing right fucking behind me every awful fucking conversation i’ve had

DORFWARDEN: you tell me

ALISTAIR: i don’t know i don’t know anything about dwarves

DORFWARDEN: yeah weirdly i didn’t know anything about humans until like a few fucking months ago

DORFWARDEN: yet somehow man

DORFWARDEN: SOMEHOW

ALISTAIR: are you going to finish that sentence

DORFWARDEN: what sentence

ALISTAIR: the one you started with “somehow”

DORFWARDEN: fuck you

DORFWARDEN: no

DORFWARDEN: hey alistair are you fucking KING yet

( Read more... )

DORFWARDEN: hey gorim do you have any jewelry that is like nugs

DORFWARDEN: like a ring with a fucking nug on there

GORIM: Well, let’s see…

DORFWARDEN: i think you need to give humans you’re gonna marry rings is the thing it needs to be a really good nug ring

WYNNE: Are you genuinely planning to propose to that young woman with a ring with a nug engraving?

DORFWARDEN: fuck you wynne she likes nugs and this shit is romantic as BALLS

SHALE: As the recognized expert at mortal romance that I am, I approve of this plan. It will certainly lead to many fleshy squishy noises that will make Alistair sad.

GORIM: I’m sorry, my Lady Aeducan, but it doesn’t look like we’ve got any. We have a lot of these elephants in fetal positions, however - if you’ll be in town for a few days, we could get one altered?

DORFWARDEN: okay lemme see those

does that florence and the machine song always play over the end credits, for varric reasons

or is this a special treat for if you married anders

So all the DA2 characters have a personal specialization with character-relevant skills described like this:

Experienced Hand - This isn’t Isabela’s first dance. And it won’t be her last.

Veneer of Calm - Fenris maintains an appearance of calm, but it is only a facade. Every wound he takes stirs at his deeply buried resentment, increasing his attack damage.

Kickback - As a merchant prince, Varric knows that sometimes you need a well-placed bribe, and sometimes you need a well-placed bolt.

Thick Skin - Long years on the front lines have made Aveline unusually… durable.

And then there’s Hawke. This is her whole personal skill tree.

Dog - Hawke yells at the dog.

Fucking Kentuckian.

Lead in the water supply, probably.

Was it totally impossible for Hawke’s friends/frenemies to be friends with each other? Merrill and Varric are the only ones who really even try, and Merrill is too confused to get far with anyone except Varric.

Obviously Anders is the fucking worst: Like two seconds after Fenris is horrifically betrayed by his long-lost sister, Anders is yelling at him about being mean to mages again. Fenris expresses despair, Hawke tries to comfort him “you have friends,” Anders goes “not me!” Apparently Anders actually approves if you betray Fenris to Danarius, but I can’t stand to watch that scene.

And they’ve known Merrill and Anders for like six years by act 3, and Fenris and Sebastian are still talking wistfully about turning them in to the Templars to be killed. Isabela literally starts a war and then leaves to let everyone else deal with it! Aveline cannot appear to stand anyone in the party, including Hawke half the time, and it’s hard to fucking blame her!

Like, it felt weird in DAO if you lost Alistair and the party just didn’t acknowledge it, but here, it feels totally reasonable if you lose Isabela and no one says a word! Because these people are not actually friends. They’re a bunch of intensely intolerant ideologues with differing ideologies and occasionally-intersecting personal goals. None of them gives a shit about the others. It’s exhausting.