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Three weeks is too long to feel this awful, but I don’t know what the point of going to the doctor would be.

"I feel nonspecifically horseshit and have a bad relationship with food and sleep"

"That’s been true for several years now right"

"Yeah but like this is more bad than is commonly the case"

And then he does the huge blood test panel yet again and it comes back “hormones slightly goofy nothing else wrong” like always.

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It occurred to me that there were no horses in DAO or DA2, so maybe I shouldn’t make Dorfwarden say “horseshit.”

But when I looked it up, apparently they appear in DAI? Way to fuck up a sterling horse-free record, Bioware.

# fucking horses they think they can go wherever they want

alternate title for Dragon Age series: Cullen The World’s Saddest Man

I just played through the mage Warden origin for the first time. Hahaha wow.

If he lives through DAI (and I know nothing about this except that the lyrium consumption thing finally becomes plot-relevant) then I guess logically in the next game he’s a sad *werewolf*, due to Teresa Edgerton.

# cullen/ceilyn w/e

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# i made a df template to help me express my emotional state # in a mature and lucid manner

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I am definitely going to die and it is probably going to be because of a minor decision someone made in a Bioware game.

#my face is a goofy shape and i use Blood Magic #sanitary napkin brand

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I made myself go to the grocery and get mildly unhealthy food (macaroni and cheese) instead of aggressively healthy stuff like I have been, because I’m not really eating the healthy stuff. It’s on the stove now. I’m having a slow-gathering panic attack because of the oppressive weight and density of grocery stores, clouds, wind, me driving a car around, the sound of the water boiling and the kitchen fan, and other similar things that seem to be simultaneously inescapably real and mundane, and impossible to the point of incoherence. It is inappropriate that whatever set of forces comprise the entity which I identify as myself are capable of perceiving but not affecting the world. Were I to destroy the moon, it would then turn out retroactively never to have existed.

There is a pressure differential between my insides and outsides, and a high-pitched squeal like a leaking inflatable toy, but I am not sure which way the atmosphere is pushing, and whether it is leaving me or rushing in.

I have eaten the macaroni and cheese now.

#i'm having a problem and the problem is #the very small problem #probably #(the very small problem is the tag i use for the brain tumor and its symptoms) #(i am basically connected to reality right now i am just trying to express something that happens sometimes) #(less frequently now than it used to)