no subject

[snarp]

I made myself go to the grocery and get mildly unhealthy food (macaroni and cheese) instead of aggressively healthy stuff like I have been, because I’m not really eating the healthy stuff. It’s on the stove now. I’m having a slow-gathering panic attack because of the oppressive weight and density of grocery stores, clouds, wind, me driving a car around, the sound of the water boiling and the kitchen fan, and other similar things that seem to be simultaneously inescapably real and mundane, and impossible to the point of incoherence. It is inappropriate that whatever set of forces comprise the entity which I identify as myself are capable of perceiving but not affecting the world. Were I to destroy the moon, it would then turn out retroactively never to have existed.

There is a pressure differential between my insides and outsides, and a high-pitched squeal like a leaking inflatable toy, but I am not sure which way the atmosphere is pushing, and whether it is leaving me or rushing in.

I have eaten the macaroni and cheese now.

#i'm having a problem and the problem is #the very small problem #probably #(the very small problem is the tag i use for the brain tumor and its symptoms) #(i am basically connected to reality right now i am just trying to express something that happens sometimes) #(less frequently now than it used to)