I Am Completely Serious

So much about football, Justin Bieber, methods of cheating on the MCAT, and porn.

* People care about football.

* Justin Bieber was in jail for a minute there.

* People cheat on the MCAT by just holding the frigging phone under the table and googling the questions. "Which of these is not true of mitochondrial DNA?" "it is big"

* The mainstream straight-guy-porn aesthetic appears to be based on Cartoon Network circa 1995. It's like Rocko's Modern Life, but with strainedly-smiling naked women instead of Rocko.

The title to this post is not facetious, intended as a dry preamble to a self-deprecating description of some behavior/trait I have displayed which I feel to be appropriate to the idiom of a hypothetical high school math teacher. No. The title of this post is literally true. I will be teaching algebra.

I'll try not to traumatize these kids too hard. Light trauma only.

Are you a law student? Are you considering doing a legal clinic where you'll
learn about the discovery process hands-on
interact with real clients (whom you seem to think are basically zoo animals)
get some bullshit to put on your resume
"network" by means of social interactions seemingly calculated to get you punched
you have done nothing but text all day I don't know why you're here
learn about the discovery process hands-on? Take this quick quiz to determine whether I hate you!

Question 1: You are helping an elderly client respond to a set of discovery requests. One of the questions is, "Have you done any repairs to your home, and if so, what kind?" The client responds, "Oh, lands, it was a mess, honey. And there was this greasy dust just everywhere, you could hardly even breathe."

(a) Ask her the question again, rephrasing it and speaking more loudly if she seems not to understand.
(b) Write down "it was a mess and there was this greasy dust just everywhere you could hardly even breathe" and move on.
(c) Write down "did not answer" and move on.
(d) Complain to the person training you that the client talks too much.

Question 2: A client has given you a handwritten list of damages, and he is sitting with you as you type it up for him. He has written this: "lost two cars. my truck is destroyed just can't drive it. you can drive the car though." What do you do?

(a) Ask him to explain what he means by this.
(b) Type those words in exactly.
(c) Type those words in exactly, noting conscientiously at the end "I don't really understand what he means by this."
(d) Complain to the person training you that the client is stupid.

Question 3: A client has filled out a worksheet consisting mostly of questions, which you are typing up. The last page is a checklist of documents she needs to turn in. There are three boxes that she can check for each document: "This document is attached," "I'll send you this document later," and "This doesn't apply to me." You have her file, which contains all of the documents which the client has turned in. What do you do?

(a) As you type up the last page, make sure the client has actually attached all of the documents she says she's attached and that the ones she says don't apply to her actually don't apply to her.
(b) Type up the last page as-is.
(c) Don't type up the last page at all, because it doesn't look very important.
(d) Complain to the person training you that there are too many documents in the file.

Question 4: A client has filled out a worksheet consisting mostly of questions, which you are typing up. The client is sitting there next to you. You find that he has left some questions blank. What do you do?

(a) Ask him to answer the questions he left blank and type them up.
(b) Ask him to answer the questions he left blank and hand-write his answers on sticky notes which you attach to the worksheet.
(c) Type in "did not answer."
(d) Complain to the person training you that the client is lazy.

Question 5: You are going over a client's claimed damages. There is a note on the file that the client is given to exaggeration. The client has claimed $15,000 for a destroyed car, but the client's most recent vehicle registration values the car at $6,300. What do you do?

(a) Tentatively change the number to $6,300, and write to the client explaining the change and asking politely if he has any documentation supporting his $15,000 number.
(b) Do nothing.
(c) Don't even notice the discrepency because you never actually opened the file in the first place.
(d) Complain to the person training you that you didn't know this law stuff meant you actually had to, like, READ things and INTERPRET them and make INFORMED DECISIONS and stuff.

If you answered "a" for every question, congratulations; you should go ahead and do the clinic. However, if you answered anything other than "a" for any question, not only may you not do the clinic, you must drop out of law school immediately, apologize to everyone you've ever met, and select a job in which your inevitable failure will not bankrupt anybody or get them sent to prison. You stupid jackass.

because it should obviously be spelled "renumerate."

I am officially Intermediate in Japanese. There's a certificate saying so, so it must be true.

Perhaps relatedly, these have been the stupidest three days in the history of stupid days. Am considering hiding under the cats until the weekend. There are nearly enough of them.

A con artist just called claiming he was from Google and that, because they were "trying to fill some openings in our sector," we had "kind of a rare opportunity" to get our website ranked first on Google and Yahoo! First for our "sector." Whatever our sector is. I, personally, have not the slightest idea. (Okay, "Explosion Law," maybe?)

I just said, "No thanks," and hung up, but now I'm regretting it. I should have put him on speakerphone, turned on Sound Recorder, and seen how much I could get out of him.