Email I just sent to my parents.

Before I forget to tell you this, leading you to come home and be confused: I cleaned your bathroom yesterday and tossed a lot of expired medicine, lotion, and general gross stuff that was in the drawers and cabinets. (I'd originally gone in there to look for burn cream, of which you had two containers, one of which expired in 2004, and the other in 1997.

You guys *never* get to say *anything* about my bathroom.)

Presently wearing a pair of slippers I found in a cabinet, because while I was doing this Wan-chan carried mine out into the field.

Dogs' bowl is frozen to the porch.

They're really confused about this. Earlier Wan-chan was shoving it with her nose, looking up at me sadly, and shoving it again, to make sure I was paying attention. She wants to move her bowl around while she's eating like usual. Eating cannot be a game if the bowl does not move.

No way, young lady. I am not pouring boiling water on that bowl, or whatever you want me to do. It is 22 F out and you are a tiny, tiny dog with no muscle mass, you are going to eat indoors and from a non-frozen receptacle.

The neighbors actually have Becquerel inside this morning. If they hadn't, I might have gone over to passive aggressively offer to keep him for the day.

No tie big white magic space doge to zip line. Will howl, lots.

Eternal email encryption problem.

What I want is an GNU webmail server with browser-side encryption and decryption that will - automatically, and without a bunch of unnecessary messages designed by a wild-eyed refugee from 19-fucking-80 -

1) decrypt shit encrypted with any of my public keys,

2) search fucking keyservers for people I'm emailing when I hit "send," and if a key is found encrypt before sending, simultaneously encrypting the copy saved in my fucking outbox in one of my own keys,

3) for storage purposes, encrypting all un-encrypted incoming and outgoing in one of my fucking public keys immediately upon receipt/send, and this is not fucking optional fuck you, so the cleartext isn't sitting there on the fucking server available for use by any potential corporate/federal/coked-out data-mining operations that might get access, because the first large-scale service like this will without fail be hacked or raided within eighteen months.

...I should not think about online security when I'm sick. I start impulsively trying to figure out how to implement my awesome solutions myself, can't due to being unable to keep my eyes on the fucking screen, and have to go lie down for an hour in the middle of even typing up a blog post wherein I swear more than is perhaps warranted about crypto.

This ailment is so bad I'm not even whining about it properly.

Usually I just say here immediately when I get a new stupid diagnsosis because I like complaining so very much, but I didn't this time, because I guess it is particularly bad and I forgot. The reason I am dizzy and nauseous and unusually angry at web standards is apparently that I have a really bad ear infection. I don't think they even gave me this many antibiotics the time I got pneumonia, these are huge pills. I'm taking something to fix the stomach problems and vertigo, too, which mostly works, but I'm still getting intermittent dizzy spells.

I think my slipper the dog took into the field is salvageable, so last night I threw it into the laundry room, which is down a flight of stairs. I threw it because I didn't feel great about negotiating stairs at that particular moment.

I just went over to toss some dishtowels down, and saw that I'd apparently been too dizzy even to effectively throw a slipper in the down direction, because it was wedged in this spot high up in the wall. If you get dizzy enough grabbity does not grab, it punches.

I am the meanest pet owner.

I blocked off the doors to the dining room with chairs and baby gates so the cats could hang out in there without the dogs bothering them. I put a couple empty laundry baskets on top of one of the chairs as kind of a trap.

I just heard the baskets fall. I went out there and the three small dogs were standing around them, looking perplexed. I said "haha!" aloud - I didn't laugh, I just said "haha!" - and then reset the trap. LEARN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE, MY FOOLISH CHILDREN.

Why I Am A Fake Buddhist, And Not A Real Buddhist.

There exists no song with which I identify more than this one.

I still brood sometimes over what my fourth-grade teacher wrote on the story I wrote about the vegetarian spider.