I’m Not Going To Be Able To Help You With That

[snarp]

Originally published at SarahPin.com. You can comment here or there.

According to my referrer logs, over the past several months, this journal has failed comprehensively to help people with the following:

The Big Questions:

• can you show me some oof the food that pandas eat?
• ask jeeves who to talk to if i think someone has faked their own death?
• accidentally shoplifted should i go back to the store
• who is that lady walking in the crestor commercial
• what does it mean to play god?
• what happened in kare kano by masami tsuda

Bleeding:

• pineapple rectal bleeding
• when is rectal bleeding serious
• hives rectal bleeding
• hives and rectal bleeding
• rectal bleeding cat
• cat has rectal bleeding

Other Urgent Problems:

• worm accidentally in brownies
• true genius is never understood
• big moths
• does soymilk retard hair growth?
• phobia of being dead and barefoot
• hacker organization
• i am completely lost
• i am completely nocturnal
• i am a werewolf wtf

The Pursuit Of Specialized Concerns:

• mail jeevas origin (Man, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Oh, and there have been multiple hits for this, over an extended period of time. I DON’T KNOW, OKAY?)
• making snork costume
• picture of sawed off unicorn
• manga hitler vampire
• miller kishiro plagiarism (HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING OF MY BELOVED it was an homage)
• pastry slipcover
• i am a banana gundam
• funny scaffolding quotes

The Pursuit Of Those Other Specialized Concerns:

• fruits basket manga scan when yuki gets locked in the closet
• manga scan when yuki gets locked in the closet
• what chapter in fruits manga does yuki get locked the closet
• quatre injured fanfictions
• schoolboys compleatly pubic shaved stories
• free snarp pictures for males
• pubic hair wig

However, I may conceivably I have helped people with the following!:

• baking soda japan / baking soda in japan / buying baking soda in japan / japanese baking soda / baking soda tansan
• they call themselves anonymous text
• reiko okano mckillip
• kamen tantei manga review
• second life adventures
• japanese mice cartoon hashimoto
• blue submarine how did zorndyke die (That’s seriously not a spoiler. And Blue Submarine No. 6 is terrible anyway.)
• awesome and hilarious pictures no i am serious

(This always gives me such a warm and fuzzy feeling. The best ever was the time someone searched for “tooooooby anime” and found the thing on my old website about Unico and the Island of Magic. That person and I had somehow managed to hit exactly the same number of o’s. It was on this day that I finally understood - the true purpose of the internet is reuniting the lost with the works of Osamu Tezuka.

(If an English-speaker can only remember one line from Unico and the Island of Magic, that line will always be “Toooooby!”))

Comments

[telophase.livejournal.com]

You get way better search strings than I do. Yesterday, which was pretty typical, had these hits:

24 zanpakuto
10 story generator
2 what's your zanpakuto
2 coolbits
2 zanpakuto generator
2 cool writing generator
2 zanpakutÅ%8d generator
2 zanpakuto name generator
2 antagonist generator
1 intitle: index of last modified size doujins
1 how to draw a zanpaku to
1 plot generator random
1 magatsu
1 your zanpakuto
1 love story generator
1 story generators
1 zanpakutÅ%8d

I really need to put more strange stuff on magatsu.net. When I had the webcomic called "Can't Sleep Con Will Eat Me," we got tons of hits from people searching for "eat me", and I coded a little counter to go on the main page that counted how many hits we'd gotten so far from that search string. The oddest one, however, was "girls trebuchet."

[snarp]

But, see, you have a whole bunch of people in one day looking specifically for your site. That makes it a force for good! Aside from all the bleeding stuff, the single specific string I get the most is actually "denison wingless angels," which is people looking for information about my college's white supremacist secret society. I sadly don't really have any, except how I'm pretty sure they're all white.

If you want to start getting very concerned about what are actually the most-read posts on your LiveJournal, copy it over to a WordPress account or some such on Magatsu.net - these are just the hits to my blog, not the rest of the site. I never anticipated that my hemorrhoids post would be this compelling.

("intitle: index of last modified size doujins" is a really good idea. I need to remember that...)

[telophase.livejournal.com]

Here's a bunch of different search strings looking for doujinshi from this month so far and last month:

1 index dojin jpg
1 index of / bleach
1 index of bleach doujin
1 index of death note
1 index of deathnote
1 index of dojin
1 index of doujin
1 index of doujinshi
1 index.of: deathnote
1 intitle: index of / doujin jpg
1 intitle: index of doujin
1 intitle: index of jpg|pdf doujin
1 intitle: index of last modified size doujins
1 intitle: index of/ deathnote
1 intitle: index.of =doujin
1 intitle: index.of jpg death.note
1 intitle:index of death note
1 intitle:index of doujinshi
1 intitle:index.of doujin -html -htm -php -asp -txt -pls
2 intitle: index.of jpeg|jpg doujinshi
2 intitle:index.of doujin
2 intitle:index/of description last size doujin
2 ?intitle:index of? doujinshi
2 ?intitle:index.of? death note
2 ?intitle:index.of? dojin
2 ?intitle:index.of? doujin jpg
3 { inurl: htm|html|php intitle: index of last modified parent directory doujin}
1 { inurl: htm|html|php intitle:â%80%9dindex ofâ%80%9d â%80%9dlast modifiedâ%80%9d â%80%9dparent directoryâ%80%9d description size png|jpg â%80%9cdoujinshiâ%80%9c}â%80%9d%3b
2 -inurl: htm|html|php intitle:â%80%9dindex ofâ%80%9d â%80%9dlast modifiedâ%80%9d â%80%9dparent directoryâ%80%9d description size jpeg|jpg â%80%9cdoujinshiâ%80%9c}â%80%9d
1 parent directory index of / last modified doujinshi
1 parent directory index of bleach
1 parent directory last modified bleach index -md5 -xxx
1 intitle: index.of mp3|mp4|avi| death.note -html htm php asp cf jsp
1 intitle:index of death note last name
1 index of name parent directory doujin
1 index of parent directory doujin
1 index of/ bleach 52
1 -inurl: htm|html|php intitle: index of last modified parent directory description size jpg|jpc dojin 2
1 -inurl: htm|html|php intitle: index of last modified parent directory description size pdf|doc %doujin%
1 -inurl: htm|html|php intitle: index of last modified parent directory description size wma|jpg death note
1 -inurl:htm -inurl:html intitle: index bleach
1 -inurl:htm -inurl:html intitle: index of last modified doujin
1 -inurl:htm -inurl:html intitle: index of last modified jpg sk8
1 -inurl:html -inurl:htm intitle: index of dojin


Now why can't the people who can figure out these awesome search strings ever enroll as students at my university? All we ever get are the ones who can't figure out that to get academic stuff on teen smoking, they need to use "adolescent tobacco use".

(And I got one in December for "10 page story generators" from someone who was obviously looking for someone to do his homework for him.)

[snarp]

Some of those are impressive. Clearly, the pursuit of doujinshi inspires much greater ingenuity than the pursuit of a B in SOC-101. I suspect that the world's greatest masters of search-string-fu are all members of obscure fandoms or fetishists.

(Or both. When I was in high school I remember getting some incredibly carefully-worded hits from someone looking for massively illegal Hunter x Hunter porn once. There were all kinds of ingenious "-"'s.)

[azurelunatic]

I officially love you. I can't say I like your spammer much, though...

[snarp]

Just curious - how did you notice the spammer? I thought I got all the spam pretty quickly.

[azurelunatic]

Funny story, that...

*looks shiftyeyed away from icon*

[snarp]

Ah, okay - that makes sense. I was just looking at the date at this entry and going: "Did someone just happen to stumble across a two-year-old entry right before I got the spam?!"

You must acknowledge that this is a moderately clever method of disguising your spam. Just steal whole conversations!

[azurelunatic]

Yep! I've seen spam with random conversations lifted off Places on the Internet before, so I Googled to find out where the hilarious banter was coming from, because it didn't sound like something a spammer would make up on the fly. And it turned out to be from here. And now the whole antispam team knows that extensively quoting parts of the conversation and adding in their spammy little spambits is a new spammer trick.

[snarp]

Hooray! telophase and I have inadvertently fought the forces of evil!