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snarpMost of my nightmares are about lying on my back unable to move while something bad happens over me: I've been stabbed in the chest and am too weak to get up and the Bad Guy is about to stab my eye (I once started talking in my sleep during a dream like this and scared elongated_tito, who was in the same room), or someone's doing surgery on me and I'm still awake but can't move, or I'm hiding between two objects hoping the bad guy in the room doesn't look down, or I'm trying to use an immateriality charm that'll protect me from the RAIN OF KNIVES but if I move even a little... etc.
Or I've just fallen down and lost motor control while trying to do something important. I have occasional anxiety dreams like that: trying to walk but falling down every few steps, not being able to use my hands or talk. But this is usually just annoying or mildly frightening without the lying-on-my-back aspect - that's where it turns into something I'd classify as a nightmare.
The thing is, unless there's some childhood incident I've totally forgotten, I do not have significant real-life trauma like this. I never ended up lying on my back during any of my dumb kid fights, and the only time I recall someone actually knocking me completely off my feet, I landed on my side. And my three official Worst Traumas did not involve any physical violence. I think these nightmares are about another nightmare.
The first bad dream I ever remember is one I had as a toddler, when I was still learning to walk. I was lying on one of the basement stairs, half-way up, and the stair was exactly my width but a little longer than I was tall. So I couldn't get leverage to stand up, and was afraid I would roll down if I moved. I felt paralyzed and not in control of my body.
I thought for years that this was something that had really happened, despite the obvious logistical problems - I'm pretty sure I couldn't get the basement door open on my own then, and if my parents or aunt had taken me down to the basement with them, they wouldn't have let me near the stairs.
When I was maybe ten, I read about sleep paralysis and went "well, that explains that." I was scared of alien abduction narratives throughout my childhood, probably because they're usually sleep paralysis narratives. It was a relatable terror.
So I've never been able to fall sleep on my back; I'm always on my side or my face. I think this may be why I didn't really got/noticed the localized headaches the cerebellar ectopia causes before being told about it - I just didn't put enough pressure there. Now that I know there's something wrong with the lower back of my head, I'm anxiously patting at it without noticing throughout the day, which is apparently enough to cause headaches.
A friend gave me a little Hanayama puzzle this week. I need to like put it on a necklace or something so I'll fiddle with that instead of my head.
Or I've just fallen down and lost motor control while trying to do something important. I have occasional anxiety dreams like that: trying to walk but falling down every few steps, not being able to use my hands or talk. But this is usually just annoying or mildly frightening without the lying-on-my-back aspect - that's where it turns into something I'd classify as a nightmare.
The thing is, unless there's some childhood incident I've totally forgotten, I do not have significant real-life trauma like this. I never ended up lying on my back during any of my dumb kid fights, and the only time I recall someone actually knocking me completely off my feet, I landed on my side. And my three official Worst Traumas did not involve any physical violence. I think these nightmares are about another nightmare.
The first bad dream I ever remember is one I had as a toddler, when I was still learning to walk. I was lying on one of the basement stairs, half-way up, and the stair was exactly my width but a little longer than I was tall. So I couldn't get leverage to stand up, and was afraid I would roll down if I moved. I felt paralyzed and not in control of my body.
I thought for years that this was something that had really happened, despite the obvious logistical problems - I'm pretty sure I couldn't get the basement door open on my own then, and if my parents or aunt had taken me down to the basement with them, they wouldn't have let me near the stairs.
When I was maybe ten, I read about sleep paralysis and went "well, that explains that." I was scared of alien abduction narratives throughout my childhood, probably because they're usually sleep paralysis narratives. It was a relatable terror.
So I've never been able to fall sleep on my back; I'm always on my side or my face. I think this may be why I didn't really got/noticed the localized headaches the cerebellar ectopia causes before being told about it - I just didn't put enough pressure there. Now that I know there's something wrong with the lower back of my head, I'm anxiously patting at it without noticing throughout the day, which is apparently enough to cause headaches.
A friend gave me a little Hanayama puzzle this week. I need to like put it on a necklace or something so I'll fiddle with that instead of my head.
