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snarp(Previously on Lawstuck: "The Midnight Crew is the worst criminal defense firm in history, Droog, Boxcars & Deuce...")
Kanaya is a family court judge who keeps her chainsaw in the courtroom with her, despite numerous polite requests by the Judicial Conduct Commission. They have yet to actually discipline her for it because she's a family court judge. That's like the third-worst job in the commonwealth after social worker and Karkat.
(Karkat's job description actually says "being stabbed by Slick.")
She's really glad that Kurloz is in jail and Gamzee's a legal adult now, hopes she's out of office by the time Cronus or Eridan somehow figures out How To Relationship, and yeah this is getting sad again. Did I mention that family court is the most depressing fucking thing? *
She hadn't planned to try for a second term, but Vriska's been talking about running against her and like fuck she's going down without a fight on that one. She would still prefer to lose. Unfortunately, her now-permanent state of shell-shock is perceived by others as "a dignified judicial mien," and she lightly chainsawed Eridan at Fructose-Imbued Pseudo-Traditional Nutrition Object Days last September. She has thus rendered herself the only re-electable family court judge in the history of the Commonwealth of Homestuck.
Also, her campaign manager's probably going to be Terezi again because no one else wants to be a campaign manager in a fucking family court race, those things are the worst, and Terezi 1S TH3 B3ST C4MP41GN M4N4G3R. YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW. She also has a massive library of video clips of Vriska mind-controlling witnesses and poking them with pencils and shit.
TT: You'll recall that I did tell you to stick with private practice.
GA: Rose
GA: Hearts Boxcars Was The Only Other Candidate And That Would Have Been The Apocalypse
GA: He Would Have Granted Custody To Whoever Cried In The Most Affecting Manner
GA: Even If The Party In Question Had Appeared For Their 9:00 AM Hearing Drunk And Wearing A Home-Made T-Shirt Saying "I Lost My Little Boy THAKNS OBAMA"
TT: You can't fix the whole world, Kanaya.
GA: You Dont Understand I Dont Want To Anymore
GA: I Just Want To Chainsaw It
Tavros and Rufioh run a restaurant. It never used to matter how awful the food was, because no one really went there to eat. It was mainly a venue for Fiduspawn tournaments, slam poetry, and "comedy Friday," which is just Cronus making troubling remarks vis-a-vis people's anatomy to an audience consisting of 1) a bewildered and unhappy Tavros and 2) a near-suicidal Karkat humoring 3) a weepy Eridan.** (Though to be fair, Dirk's routine with Cal cleared the place out completely. Rufioh just left the keys so he could lock up when he was done.)
But then the new courthouse went up right next to the place, so now everyone goes there for lunch. Sometimes court has to "adjourn for a short recess" because the judge has gotten very ill. But no one wants to report those guys to the health department. I mean, just look at them, pretending that they're grown-ups who are running a legitimate small business. It's adorable.
They sell their self-published manga beside the register. It's about two dudes with large horns fighting evil with the power of love. Karkat and Nepeta let them print and assemble it in the office after-hours.
The restaurant's gone through several different "stylistic phases," including Tex-Mex, "hip-hop sandwich shop" (what does that mean, that doesn't mean anything), and butler cafe, the last being Jade and Roxy's doing. Vriska and Terezi's behavior in the butler cafe left the Nitrams with PTSD.
They're presently a "Japanese pizza parlor," an idea even more nebulous than the sandwich thing, but which appears to involve putting mayonnaise, instant yakisoba, and hot-dogs cut to look like horrorterrors on there. Rufioh got the idea that this is how it's done when he visited his scary high-school girlfriend in Japan last year. (Damara's teaching ESL at a chain eikaiwa, destroying one young life at a time. Honing her skills.)
No one has yet been brave enough to order the $19 "sashimi pizza," which rumor has it has a whole raw catfish on top. Vriska dares people to try it all the time. Once when Cronus was trying to get out of paying, Karkat and Nepeta agreed that they would knock eight hours off his bill if he would order that pizza and EAT THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING, right in furront of us, Mr. Fishface. You musk compurrete this task within ten minutes or WE'RE CHARGING YOU FUCKING DOUBLE. But Sollux came in and pointed out that the he was basically a catfish himself - he'2 a bottom-feeder riight? - and tho2e thiings are canniibal2 2o iit probably wouldn't even get hiim ho2piitaliized.
-
* The Commonwealth of Homestuck is basically Kentucky, if that wasn't obvious, so family court judges don't get to rotate out and do something else every few months to prevent burnout. They don't usually serve more than one term for this reason. And other reasons, which I won't go into.
I just wrote nearly four pages about Kentuckian judicial campaigns and social services before deciding that the Homestuck AU post was not the correct venue. Unless maybe I rewrite it in Aranea's quirk or something, I don't know.
** Sollux has locked himself in the only bathroom and is half-sarcastically texting Feferi about the procedures required to get someone involuntarily committed. Like is there any sort of paperwork he should prepare to to speed up the process for whoever has to handle that for him. Feferi humors him and explains what sort of evidence would be required. He consequently sends Eridan a series of "specific and credible threats," and takes a photo of himself making psionic sparks at his own head. He wants to make double-sure, of course.
In the morning he will print this material out, put it in a folder which he has labelled "open iin ca2e of 2eriiou2 problem2," and give it to Aradia, who will decide that this is a great idea and insist that the rest of the firm prepare similar documentation. She finally offers to make Karkat's threats for him, because his never sound credible to anyone, ever. Theyre m0stly just funny karkat im really s0rry.
Everyone just ends up threatening Eridan, who takes this as flirtation and feels much better about himself.
Judge Lalonde will later regretfully nix DD's attempt to get Slick committed, on the grounds that Slick "cannot reasonably be expected to benefit from treatment." Please read the statute more carefully, Mr. Droog. Good try, though.
(Tumblr Crosspost)
Kanaya is a family court judge who keeps her chainsaw in the courtroom with her, despite numerous polite requests by the Judicial Conduct Commission. They have yet to actually discipline her for it because she's a family court judge. That's like the third-worst job in the commonwealth after social worker and Karkat.
(Karkat's job description actually says "being stabbed by Slick.")
She's really glad that Kurloz is in jail and Gamzee's a legal adult now, hopes she's out of office by the time Cronus or Eridan somehow figures out How To Relationship, and yeah this is getting sad again. Did I mention that family court is the most depressing fucking thing? *
She hadn't planned to try for a second term, but Vriska's been talking about running against her and like fuck she's going down without a fight on that one. She would still prefer to lose. Unfortunately, her now-permanent state of shell-shock is perceived by others as "a dignified judicial mien," and she lightly chainsawed Eridan at Fructose-Imbued Pseudo-Traditional Nutrition Object Days last September. She has thus rendered herself the only re-electable family court judge in the history of the Commonwealth of Homestuck.
Also, her campaign manager's probably going to be Terezi again because no one else wants to be a campaign manager in a fucking family court race, those things are the worst, and Terezi 1S TH3 B3ST C4MP41GN M4N4G3R. YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW. She also has a massive library of video clips of Vriska mind-controlling witnesses and poking them with pencils and shit.
TT: You'll recall that I did tell you to stick with private practice.
GA: Rose
GA: Hearts Boxcars Was The Only Other Candidate And That Would Have Been The Apocalypse
GA: He Would Have Granted Custody To Whoever Cried In The Most Affecting Manner
GA: Even If The Party In Question Had Appeared For Their 9:00 AM Hearing Drunk And Wearing A Home-Made T-Shirt Saying "I Lost My Little Boy THAKNS OBAMA"
TT: You can't fix the whole world, Kanaya.
GA: You Dont Understand I Dont Want To Anymore
GA: I Just Want To Chainsaw It
Tavros and Rufioh run a restaurant. It never used to matter how awful the food was, because no one really went there to eat. It was mainly a venue for Fiduspawn tournaments, slam poetry, and "comedy Friday," which is just Cronus making troubling remarks vis-a-vis people's anatomy to an audience consisting of 1) a bewildered and unhappy Tavros and 2) a near-suicidal Karkat humoring 3) a weepy Eridan.** (Though to be fair, Dirk's routine with Cal cleared the place out completely. Rufioh just left the keys so he could lock up when he was done.)
But then the new courthouse went up right next to the place, so now everyone goes there for lunch. Sometimes court has to "adjourn for a short recess" because the judge has gotten very ill. But no one wants to report those guys to the health department. I mean, just look at them, pretending that they're grown-ups who are running a legitimate small business. It's adorable.
They sell their self-published manga beside the register. It's about two dudes with large horns fighting evil with the power of love. Karkat and Nepeta let them print and assemble it in the office after-hours.
The restaurant's gone through several different "stylistic phases," including Tex-Mex, "hip-hop sandwich shop" (what does that mean, that doesn't mean anything), and butler cafe, the last being Jade and Roxy's doing. Vriska and Terezi's behavior in the butler cafe left the Nitrams with PTSD.
They're presently a "Japanese pizza parlor," an idea even more nebulous than the sandwich thing, but which appears to involve putting mayonnaise, instant yakisoba, and hot-dogs cut to look like horrorterrors on there. Rufioh got the idea that this is how it's done when he visited his scary high-school girlfriend in Japan last year. (Damara's teaching ESL at a chain eikaiwa, destroying one young life at a time. Honing her skills.)
No one has yet been brave enough to order the $19 "sashimi pizza," which rumor has it has a whole raw catfish on top. Vriska dares people to try it all the time. Once when Cronus was trying to get out of paying, Karkat and Nepeta agreed that they would knock eight hours off his bill if he would order that pizza and EAT THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING, right in furront of us, Mr. Fishface. You musk compurrete this task within ten minutes or WE'RE CHARGING YOU FUCKING DOUBLE. But Sollux came in and pointed out that the he was basically a catfish himself - he'2 a bottom-feeder riight? - and tho2e thiings are canniibal2 2o iit probably wouldn't even get hiim ho2piitaliized.
-
* The Commonwealth of Homestuck is basically Kentucky, if that wasn't obvious, so family court judges don't get to rotate out and do something else every few months to prevent burnout. They don't usually serve more than one term for this reason. And other reasons, which I won't go into.
I just wrote nearly four pages about Kentuckian judicial campaigns and social services before deciding that the Homestuck AU post was not the correct venue. Unless maybe I rewrite it in Aranea's quirk or something, I don't know.
** Sollux has locked himself in the only bathroom and is half-sarcastically texting Feferi about the procedures required to get someone involuntarily committed. Like is there any sort of paperwork he should prepare to to speed up the process for whoever has to handle that for him. Feferi humors him and explains what sort of evidence would be required. He consequently sends Eridan a series of "specific and credible threats," and takes a photo of himself making psionic sparks at his own head. He wants to make double-sure, of course.
In the morning he will print this material out, put it in a folder which he has labelled "open iin ca2e of 2eriiou2 problem2," and give it to Aradia, who will decide that this is a great idea and insist that the rest of the firm prepare similar documentation. She finally offers to make Karkat's threats for him, because his never sound credible to anyone, ever. Theyre m0stly just funny karkat im really s0rry.
Everyone just ends up threatening Eridan, who takes this as flirtation and feels much better about himself.
Judge Lalonde will later regretfully nix DD's attempt to get Slick committed, on the grounds that Slick "cannot reasonably be expected to benefit from treatment." Please read the statute more carefully, Mr. Droog. Good try, though.
(Tumblr Crosspost)
no subject
Date: 2013-03-17 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-18 12:47 am (UTC)