Who will be dead at the end of Homestuck?
Feb. 4th, 2013 04:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snarpI am right about all of this and you should take me seriously and begin mourning immediately. Your favorite characters are all doomed. Except for Roxy, who is definitely going to be fine.
* Davesprite - Yeah, he's supposed to be doomed, right? But maybe he'll make it if Dave doesn't. I don't know.
* Jade and Dirk - They have this habit of sacrificing their lives for the good of their friends, and neither is in possession of an immediately obvious love interest for whom they ought to hang around for purposes of narrative closure and monogamous heterosexual destinies. Both of you must correct these existential flaws immediately if you wish to survive. Dirk, you need to develop a strong emotional bond with Erisolsprite, right now. I cannot promise that this will save you because he's like, a dude, but do it anyway because it's hilarious. Jade, with Davesprite dumpage confirmed and ARquiusprite probably gay, I'm afraid that you'll have to get to work on redeeming Gamzee. Get a thing of foaming facial cleanser and some music that doesn't suck. And hurry. You may not have much time.
* Dave - Dave and Karkat can't both be with Terezi! I mean, Dave totally rejected the Terezi-division schedule! And I think he's more likely to be doomed, just on the basis that 1) he thinks it's his "job" to kill Lord English, 2) the conversation with Rose at the end of act 5 about his need to accept his own mortality basically had big flashing text over it saying Anton Chekov Would Describe This As A Loaded Rifle, and 3) denying Karkat his happy ending would constitute puppy-kicking of a sort in which I feel this narrative hasn't really indulged. The dude has smiled exactly once, and I think he's been shown crying more than the rest of the cast put together. Karkat needs his happy ending so bad.
Actually, I'm converting this list item into a straightforward threat towards Andrew Hussie. Mr. Hussie, give Karkat a happy-ever-after or I will come to your house and do terrible things to your horse art. I have an exacto knife and three cats. Where doing it man where making this hapen.
* I don't really know about Jane and Rose. Aggggh. Or Gamzee, but who even cares, except that Jade maybe needs to kiss him for her monogamous heterosexual destinies.
* If Jane makes it, Nannasprite probably won't? And vice-versa.
Oh, god, I just realized that Nannasprite's going to end up with Jake, isn't she. She's a faded-out blue lady. I'M SO SORRY JANE I JUST DOOMED YOU WITH THAT REVELATION DIDN'T I.
* I feel like John, Roxy, Terezi, Kanaya, PM, and WV are going to make it? WV for basically the same reasons as Karkat. HE EVEN LOST HIS FIREFLY! DON'T GO WV YOU HAVE SO MANY CANS LEFT TO LIVE FOR! Kanaya because she needs to resurrect her species and be the worldmommy and complain forever that she was trapped into this dumb gendered role by the patriarchy, which she was. John and Roxy because they are nice happy dumbasses but not quite as terrifyingly self-sacrificing as are Jade and Dirk, and are basically married already. Terezi so that she can participate in either Dave or Karkat's monogamous heterosexual destinies. Sorry, Terezi. PM because WV needs to marry her probably (yeah, I know you basically only give a shit about avenging your queen, but this is how the monogamous heterosexual destinies work), and also I think OmnipoJack's going to die, and if so she'll probably live.
* Caliborn will die, but somehow still remain available for conversation via IM after his defeat, for all eternity. Like Caliborn just keeps getting trolled by people who are mad at him throughout his crappy session. It's happening basically constantly when we're not actually seeing what he's doing. 100% canon. Just keep telling Caliborn about boners forever please kids.
* One of the two remaining iterations of Jack will end up dying in the process of killing Lord English, for some reason. Because come on, he's killed everybody else, and he's the only Carapacian with an actual name and that name is Jack, for god's sake. He is clearly the hero of this story.
The other will sit in an office doing paperwork forever. The end.
* Davesprite - Yeah, he's supposed to be doomed, right? But maybe he'll make it if Dave doesn't. I don't know.
* Jade and Dirk - They have this habit of sacrificing their lives for the good of their friends, and neither is in possession of an immediately obvious love interest for whom they ought to hang around for purposes of narrative closure and monogamous heterosexual destinies. Both of you must correct these existential flaws immediately if you wish to survive. Dirk, you need to develop a strong emotional bond with Erisolsprite, right now. I cannot promise that this will save you because he's like, a dude, but do it anyway because it's hilarious. Jade, with Davesprite dumpage confirmed and ARquiusprite probably gay, I'm afraid that you'll have to get to work on redeeming Gamzee. Get a thing of foaming facial cleanser and some music that doesn't suck. And hurry. You may not have much time.
* Dave - Dave and Karkat can't both be with Terezi! I mean, Dave totally rejected the Terezi-division schedule! And I think he's more likely to be doomed, just on the basis that 1) he thinks it's his "job" to kill Lord English, 2) the conversation with Rose at the end of act 5 about his need to accept his own mortality basically had big flashing text over it saying Anton Chekov Would Describe This As A Loaded Rifle, and 3) denying Karkat his happy ending would constitute puppy-kicking of a sort in which I feel this narrative hasn't really indulged. The dude has smiled exactly once, and I think he's been shown crying more than the rest of the cast put together. Karkat needs his happy ending so bad.
Actually, I'm converting this list item into a straightforward threat towards Andrew Hussie. Mr. Hussie, give Karkat a happy-ever-after or I will come to your house and do terrible things to your horse art. I have an exacto knife and three cats. Where doing it man where making this hapen.
* I don't really know about Jane and Rose. Aggggh. Or Gamzee, but who even cares, except that Jade maybe needs to kiss him for her monogamous heterosexual destinies.
* If Jane makes it, Nannasprite probably won't? And vice-versa.
Oh, god, I just realized that Nannasprite's going to end up with Jake, isn't she. She's a faded-out blue lady. I'M SO SORRY JANE I JUST DOOMED YOU WITH THAT REVELATION DIDN'T I.
* I feel like John, Roxy, Terezi, Kanaya, PM, and WV are going to make it? WV for basically the same reasons as Karkat. HE EVEN LOST HIS FIREFLY! DON'T GO WV YOU HAVE SO MANY CANS LEFT TO LIVE FOR! Kanaya because she needs to resurrect her species and be the worldmommy and complain forever that she was trapped into this dumb gendered role by the patriarchy, which she was. John and Roxy because they are nice happy dumbasses but not quite as terrifyingly self-sacrificing as are Jade and Dirk, and are basically married already. Terezi so that she can participate in either Dave or Karkat's monogamous heterosexual destinies. Sorry, Terezi. PM because WV needs to marry her probably (yeah, I know you basically only give a shit about avenging your queen, but this is how the monogamous heterosexual destinies work), and also I think OmnipoJack's going to die, and if so she'll probably live.
* Caliborn will die, but somehow still remain available for conversation via IM after his defeat, for all eternity. Like Caliborn just keeps getting trolled by people who are mad at him throughout his crappy session. It's happening basically constantly when we're not actually seeing what he's doing. 100% canon. Just keep telling Caliborn about boners forever please kids.
* One of the two remaining iterations of Jack will end up dying in the process of killing Lord English, for some reason. Because come on, he's killed everybody else, and he's the only Carapacian with an actual name and that name is Jack, for god's sake. He is clearly the hero of this story.
The other will sit in an office doing paperwork forever. The end.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-09 05:47 am (UTC)As will Gamzee. And you have to accept Gamzee being fine because I suspect actually losing Gamzee, on top of everything else, would cause Karkat to lose his shit in a happy-ending-precluding way. And since Dave is also going to be FINE, Karkat's happy ending will include beating his head against something while Dave and Gamzee have epic rap-offs unto infinity.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-09 06:28 am (UTC)