(Today it rained again.)

[snarp]

Sensei: What will the weather be like tomorrow?

1: - “what was the weather yesterday?”

Sensei: No, tomorrow.

1: Uhhh… no.

Sensei: “No”?! That’s not the answer!

2: There will be no weather tomorrow. Today, the earth will die.

Sensei: Really? Why?!

2: *shrug*

-

Today we also did the thing where we passed around pieces of paper and each wrote one line of a story. Except the pieces of paper were for the timelines of our teachers’ future lives, which I think all will agree was a dangerous idea.

The stories were all unusually cohesive for this sort of exercise, and also all extremely grim.

Chiisai-Koe-sensei embarked on a series of commercial ventures that eventually led her to covert, and then overt, world domination. (”She bought Nintendo. She made a new video game and made a lot of money. Then she bought the United States. She became the Queen of the World.”) In the year 2099 she was, finally, assassinated by Kurogane-sensei’s daughter - Kurogane-sensei having, in her own narrative, become the immortal matriarch of an elite ninja clan based based in India and apparently secretly funded by her husband’s successful Bollywood studio. However, Chiisai-Koe-sensei had long anticipated this day, her memories having already been copied into a robot body. And so they both lived on, their rivalry eternal. (”Year 2099: She does not die.”)

Doom-sensei was embroiled in a complex love triangle with two guys in the class, both of whom she would eventually marry. The first she divorced, and the second she murdered, selling off his art and making herself rich. (”2009: She married Barbie-san. 2010: She divorced Barbie-san and married Goatee-san. 2011: She killed Goatee-san.”) But when he returned as a zombie, Barbie-san also returned, to stand by her side in her time of peril. Except the zombie appears to have killed them both - the ending was kind of confused. It is not as obvious as it may seem who wrote which particular passage.

Biiru-sensei was locked in an endless pattern of finding true love, and then losing it again in the next sentence. Each one was punctuated alternately with either a smiley face or a frowny one. His alcoholism would finally destroy his health: “Every day he drank lots of beer. Then he lived in the hospital.” He died young.

Genki-sensei quit her teaching job, became a witch a year later (apparently unrelated), married a transgender guy, and gave birth to twenty babies at once, ten of whom died and ten of whom got into Ganguro in high school. Heartbroken, she hung herself. In red ink, there was a small, careful sketch of a sad stick-person with a rope around her neck.

Okay, so I don’t know what was going on there. Maybe everyone had a different idea of what the word for “witch” meant. I should have drawn a picture.

In addition to the witchcraft, I was obviously also largely responsible for the cross-over ninja-vs-robot storyline, which fortunately people pretty much went along with. We were all writing with differently colored markers, and while my green marker was clearly the bastion of hope and glory, the red marker granted only dim, mundane pain and suffering, being responsible for the suicide, liver failure, and infant mortality.

Biiru-sensei also wrote his own life’s story as an example for us. He started a brewery, but died of liver failure before it became successful. I think it was just the weather today.

(Originally published at SarahPin.com. You can comment here or there.)