My parents.

[snarp]

(Originally published at SarahPin.com. You can comment here or there.)

DAD: See, the thing about this place is, they always mess up my order here! They always mess it up! So I want you to order for me, in Spanish, and see if that -

PAM (WHO IS MEXICIAN-AMERICAN): Okay, what do you want?

DAD: Aqui, aqui - I want aqui - this burrito, aqui burrito - but I want it with meat and cheese only -

PAM’S SON: See, this is his problem, he goes, “I want a burrito with just meat and cheese” -

PAM: You can’t do that.

DAD: Why can’t I do that?! It’s what I want! I make your son here order for me, and he just doesn’t help. I don’t want all this - vegetables and stuff - no rice - nada rice - nada rice-o, nada guacamole-o, nada -

ME: Dad, I will absolutely kill you.

DAD: - nada beans-o - no, why not?

PAM’S SON: Because that’s not a burrito! That’s not what a burrito is!

ME: That’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but bacon.

PAM, WITH AN EXPRESSION OF INCALCULABLE DISGUST: No, it’s like saying you want a BLT with nothing but lettuce.

DAD: I just want a burrito with just meat and cheese. Nothing else, nada. Oh, here he is - order-o por favor! Uno burrito nada! Uno beer-o? Tu tienes mucho dinero!*

ME, BECOMING MORE SOUTHERN UNDER STRESS: Dad! I swear to god!

WAITER: *looks patiently at Pam’s son, clearly completely used to this*

-

MOM: Aw, don’t chew on the shoelaces, Gandalf! *politely takes the shoe from the dog and places it slightly out of reach*

ME: You know, you should probably like whap him, so he understands it’s wrong.

MOM, WITH GREAT INDIGNATION: I’m not going to whap him!

-

* I have no idea in what context Dad acquired this phrase, but it’s his Official Spanish Sentence, which he brings out whenever the Spanish language is discussed.

Comments

[elongated-tito.livejournal.com]

I do not appreciate you encouraging the abuse of my dog.

I'm assuming you were at El Azul, where, yes, the waitstaff is accustomed to our father.

Also, there is an excellent interview with John Hodgman on the AV Club that you should read.

[snarp]

They never punish him when he chews on shoes! He is therefore unaware that it is not acceptable behavior! There is a simple solution to this, and that is to whap him!

(It was actually at a new Mexican place whose name I cannot remember, which is at El Azul's old location. I can discern no difference between the food at the two establishments, but am assured by the people who know these things that there is one.)