Lawstuck: The Unethical AU (Homestuck)
Mar. 12th, 2013 06:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snarpThe Midnight Crew is the worst criminal defense firm in history, Droog, Boxcars & Deuce. Slick used to be a partner but is now a paralegal because he got disbarred the third time he stabbed a client. (The first couple times were fine because the Homestuck Bar has a "three strikes" rule there.) Scratch is the county attorney, and Terezi and Vriska are Ace Prosecutors.
Aradia's also a paralegal, and she has to go over Slick's stuff to make sure he didn't physically threaten anybody in it. She doesn't really mind threats of emotional harm. Slick has to go over hers and remove any prophecies of doom or stray attempts to sic ghosts on the firm of ENGLISH, BITCH & GNOMES, LLC. She just really hates those guys.
Karkat's the secretary and Sollux is the IT guy, and they are both permanently enraged and drink all the coffee by 10:00 AM every day. Sometimes Jack stabs Karkat for this. Cronus, the crooked contractor and repeat-offender sexual assailant who's always got at least two active cases, thinks Karkat's explosions every time he shows up without an appointment are an adorable come-on.
CD's Gmail password is always just his fucking name with a fucking two-digit number at the end and Sollux is going to set that little shit on fire the next time Terezi correctly guesses the number he swears to Jegus he is 2o done.
When she's not doing something too demanding, Terezi keeps Gmail open in one tab, and every few minutes tries a new combination of numbers. She doesn't actually read his stuff, of course! That would be 4 GROSS V1OL4T1ON OF L3G4L 3TH1CS, and she never commits gross violations. She just emails Karkat requesting "the papers i gave you!!! the BLUE ones they were blue i think" until he catches on.
Nepeta handles accounting and writes all demand letters in-character as Pounce de Leon: "- will be forced to withclaw as your pounsel, skin you for a nice comfy rug, and paint pretty pictures of you on the wall as a warning to others!" Karkat sometimes gets too worked up to remember to check and see if a client's paid their retainer before scheduling someone to show up for them, and Nepeta keeps taping new and more vividly-colored notes over his computer to remind him of this. At times they have covered 2/3 of his screen.
Feferi is a social worker whose chronic peppiness terrifies those under her tyrannical care. Yet she cannot stop Gamzee from growing all these psilocybin-bearing mushrooms. Gamzee will not stop growing these mushrooms, Feferi. The things are little miracles, all like shooting right out of the sawdust just like they know which way's up and shit.
Karkat always "forgets" to bill Gamzee, which infuriates Nepeta. Judge Rose Lalonde just dismisses drug charges against him anyway, because we see quite enough of Mr. Makara in this courtroom when he commits actual crimes, thank you, Ms. Pyrope. Stop indicting him every time you smell something purple or break a piece of chalk.
PM, AR, Jade and Dave are public defenders and largely more competent than are DB&C. Jade's greatest victory was the time she got the charges dropped against that guy with the lion in his back yard, and he even got to *keep* the lion in his back yard! She bought the lion from him, it's in her back yard now. Jade you keep buying the fucking animals from the fucking animal hoarders please stop doing that.
She, Nepeta, Feferi, and Roxy are housemates, jointly house-sitting Kurloz's terrifying dilapidated old farm, and also sort of Mituna-sitting when Latula can't do it. Mituna is Feferi's client and Kurloz is Jade's; Kurloz is in prison for a wide variety of excellent reasons. This arrangement is very Ethically Questionable, but Kurloz and Latula think it's a good deal because they can't trust Meulin to keep an eye on him and that home care shit is motherfucking expensive truf4x.
(And sorry this just got sad didn't it, let me do something unkind to Dave.) Dave doesn't understand why he literally always gets stuck with the creepy sex cases, I mean fuck give him a break, can't Jade at least handle the bestiality guys that's like her thing right, not that he's saying he prefers the pedophiles but just. Why. PM and AR explain that they do not understand sex as a concept, they're like clones or some shit, and Dave is like, like FUCK I understand the horsefucker twins, come on.
Caliborn, Snowman, and the remainder of the Felt comprise ENGLISH, BITCH & GNOMES, LLC, an unpleasant insurance defense firm which Crockercorp uses all the time. (Crockercorp's an insurance company dedicated to Serving the Needs of the Global Warming Industry. A lot of coal operators and such.) Meenah is a terrible, terrible adjuster. She shows up at a mediation and announces that she has to catch a plane to Florida for her cruise and their last offer is $2,000, suckerfish, now are we getting this thing done or knot. Then she leaves saying she'll be available by cell phone until the plane takes off, but she turns off her iPhone's ringer immediately and just sits in the terminal watching Spongebob on it without headphones.
Jane and Jake are a police detectives and things can get very weird when Jake's called to testify.
Eridan is a chronic pro se litigant who thinks he's a wizard and keeps filing incoherent complaints, handwritten in purple ink, against like forty defendants whom he thinks "conspired" to key his car last week. (He doesn't understand the difference between a civil suit and a criminal suit.) The named parties always include Mayor WV. What does he have against the Mayor?, everyone wonders. The Mayor's everyone's friend! HB represents him for all his terroristic threatening charges and is very sympathetic to his problems with women. Eridan also files a lot of ethics complaints against Judge Lalonde. These can get very personal at times.
...I don't know why I just fleshed out Eridan so completely. I came up with that in a matter of seconds just now, I hadn't thought about any of this before I started typing. And that Cronus stuff, too, that also just kind of came to me. I don't even know what Roxy, Dirk, and John are doing, but, for some reason, the Amporas.
I guess it's just that they're just the sort of people who show up at the fucking office a lot. There's probably a Cronus somewhere in the fucking office right now, explaining earnestly why it totally wvasn't rape because i mean come on you seen her wvhy wvould i get myself in shit for that am i right.
This got depressing again. Uh. WV ran for office on a platform of putting a community garden where the old courthouse used to be before Judge Lalonde somehow destroyed it. (All she remembers is that she was reading a pleading Slick wrote; no extant copies remain.) WV is there every morning admiring his greens, and he has not quite figured out that Meulin's carefully-tended patch is not strictly legal.
(Tumblr Crosspost)
Aradia's also a paralegal, and she has to go over Slick's stuff to make sure he didn't physically threaten anybody in it. She doesn't really mind threats of emotional harm. Slick has to go over hers and remove any prophecies of doom or stray attempts to sic ghosts on the firm of ENGLISH, BITCH & GNOMES, LLC. She just really hates those guys.
Karkat's the secretary and Sollux is the IT guy, and they are both permanently enraged and drink all the coffee by 10:00 AM every day. Sometimes Jack stabs Karkat for this. Cronus, the crooked contractor and repeat-offender sexual assailant who's always got at least two active cases, thinks Karkat's explosions every time he shows up without an appointment are an adorable come-on.
CD's Gmail password is always just his fucking name with a fucking two-digit number at the end and Sollux is going to set that little shit on fire the next time Terezi correctly guesses the number he swears to Jegus he is 2o done.
When she's not doing something too demanding, Terezi keeps Gmail open in one tab, and every few minutes tries a new combination of numbers. She doesn't actually read his stuff, of course! That would be 4 GROSS V1OL4T1ON OF L3G4L 3TH1CS, and she never commits gross violations. She just emails Karkat requesting "the papers i gave you!!! the BLUE ones they were blue i think" until he catches on.
Nepeta handles accounting and writes all demand letters in-character as Pounce de Leon: "- will be forced to withclaw as your pounsel, skin you for a nice comfy rug, and paint pretty pictures of you on the wall as a warning to others!" Karkat sometimes gets too worked up to remember to check and see if a client's paid their retainer before scheduling someone to show up for them, and Nepeta keeps taping new and more vividly-colored notes over his computer to remind him of this. At times they have covered 2/3 of his screen.
Feferi is a social worker whose chronic peppiness terrifies those under her tyrannical care. Yet she cannot stop Gamzee from growing all these psilocybin-bearing mushrooms. Gamzee will not stop growing these mushrooms, Feferi. The things are little miracles, all like shooting right out of the sawdust just like they know which way's up and shit.
Karkat always "forgets" to bill Gamzee, which infuriates Nepeta. Judge Rose Lalonde just dismisses drug charges against him anyway, because we see quite enough of Mr. Makara in this courtroom when he commits actual crimes, thank you, Ms. Pyrope. Stop indicting him every time you smell something purple or break a piece of chalk.
PM, AR, Jade and Dave are public defenders and largely more competent than are DB&C. Jade's greatest victory was the time she got the charges dropped against that guy with the lion in his back yard, and he even got to *keep* the lion in his back yard! She bought the lion from him, it's in her back yard now. Jade you keep buying the fucking animals from the fucking animal hoarders please stop doing that.
She, Nepeta, Feferi, and Roxy are housemates, jointly house-sitting Kurloz's terrifying dilapidated old farm, and also sort of Mituna-sitting when Latula can't do it. Mituna is Feferi's client and Kurloz is Jade's; Kurloz is in prison for a wide variety of excellent reasons. This arrangement is very Ethically Questionable, but Kurloz and Latula think it's a good deal because they can't trust Meulin to keep an eye on him and that home care shit is motherfucking expensive truf4x.
(And sorry this just got sad didn't it, let me do something unkind to Dave.) Dave doesn't understand why he literally always gets stuck with the creepy sex cases, I mean fuck give him a break, can't Jade at least handle the bestiality guys that's like her thing right, not that he's saying he prefers the pedophiles but just. Why. PM and AR explain that they do not understand sex as a concept, they're like clones or some shit, and Dave is like, like FUCK I understand the horsefucker twins, come on.
Caliborn, Snowman, and the remainder of the Felt comprise ENGLISH, BITCH & GNOMES, LLC, an unpleasant insurance defense firm which Crockercorp uses all the time. (Crockercorp's an insurance company dedicated to Serving the Needs of the Global Warming Industry. A lot of coal operators and such.) Meenah is a terrible, terrible adjuster. She shows up at a mediation and announces that she has to catch a plane to Florida for her cruise and their last offer is $2,000, suckerfish, now are we getting this thing done or knot. Then she leaves saying she'll be available by cell phone until the plane takes off, but she turns off her iPhone's ringer immediately and just sits in the terminal watching Spongebob on it without headphones.
Jane and Jake are a police detectives and things can get very weird when Jake's called to testify.
Eridan is a chronic pro se litigant who thinks he's a wizard and keeps filing incoherent complaints, handwritten in purple ink, against like forty defendants whom he thinks "conspired" to key his car last week. (He doesn't understand the difference between a civil suit and a criminal suit.) The named parties always include Mayor WV. What does he have against the Mayor?, everyone wonders. The Mayor's everyone's friend! HB represents him for all his terroristic threatening charges and is very sympathetic to his problems with women. Eridan also files a lot of ethics complaints against Judge Lalonde. These can get very personal at times.
...I don't know why I just fleshed out Eridan so completely. I came up with that in a matter of seconds just now, I hadn't thought about any of this before I started typing. And that Cronus stuff, too, that also just kind of came to me. I don't even know what Roxy, Dirk, and John are doing, but, for some reason, the Amporas.
I guess it's just that they're just the sort of people who show up at the fucking office a lot. There's probably a Cronus somewhere in the fucking office right now, explaining earnestly why it totally wvasn't rape because i mean come on you seen her wvhy wvould i get myself in shit for that am i right.
This got depressing again. Uh. WV ran for office on a platform of putting a community garden where the old courthouse used to be before Judge Lalonde somehow destroyed it. (All she remembers is that she was reading a pleading Slick wrote; no extant copies remain.) WV is there every morning admiring his greens, and he has not quite figured out that Meulin's carefully-tended patch is not strictly legal.
(Tumblr Crosspost)
