How to form political opinions.

Dad: You have to vote tomorrow, you have to vote for [his friend] and against [mom's enemy]!

Me: I don't know anything about the people they're running against. - wait, in Papaw's neighborhood today, there was this guy going around hassling people, he was sort of shaped like a cinderblock and had a buzzcut, who was he?

Dad: Uh... probably [name], he's running for [office].

Me: Okay. He was parked in a stupid place so I couldn't pull out, so I'll vote so I can vote against him.

Dad: His opponent runs a pit bull puppy mill, though! Keep that in mind.

Me: I'll write in my own name or something.

(Dad can't actually buy a house.)

Dad: You know that big house in town? It's for sale.

Me: What would you do with this house?

Dad: It'll be a new satellite law office -

Me: Like twenty yards from your current one?

Dad: I'm going to go into business doing social security law, I want to be like local hero Eric C. Conn!

Me: Okay, then.

Dad: It's a nice house, though, Sarah, have you seen it?

Me: I thought you were going to retire to a house in Florida on the intracoastal waterway. I thought that was your house fantasy.

Dad: Do you want it?

Me: Sure, Dad, just up and buy me a house.

Dad: Well, [employee] needs a place to live. So does [friend]. I could buy the house and you three could live in it. And maybe other people.

Me: This is a very radical idea, buying a house and letting people live in it. Are you sure you're not a communist?

Dad, sulkily: I am a liberal democrat.