Appropriate Christmukkah sentiments
Nov. 30th, 2013 10:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
snarpI wish I could filter Tumblr for posts with a general consumption-oriented attitude; people showing things they want to buy or things they've bought, talking about buying things in a wistful manner, making plans to buy things. Travel plans go in the same category, as they're sort of a manner of purchasing experiences or escapism in the same way which purchasing objects are.
I want to do this because I am feeling pretty depressed about my inability to like, get a job which pays enough even that I can move out, much less buy other stuff.
The healthy way to handle this probably to be a better Buddhist and cultivate the knowledge that material goods are meaningless and that contentment can be achieved without them. Being a nerd like I am, the most understandable metaphor I've found for the futility of spending money on unnecessary things is that of leveling up in an MMO; you work for hours to get the level, to make things a little easier or be able to wear armor that's a little nicer. And then that becomes the norm, and you're focused on getting to the next level.
But nothing really gets easier or better. The game itself doesn't change. If you want something different, the only thing to do is stop playing. Find a better game.
The problem with depression is, there's no better game, because there are no games at all.
When I don't feel this way, there's a bunch of stuff that makes me happy in the moment that (to me, anyway) has meaning: making stuff - writing, coding, designing a website or poster or whatever - arguing, learning, doing something that helps people, teaching. (If the person I'm teaching's interested, anyway! If not, we're wasting each other's time.)
Depression eats meaning, though. I know I should care about these things, but right now I just don't. I just sit around a lot. I can't even read anything long. Meaning's a manufactured good, and my factory's shut down, I'm just buying from the competitors because I can't keep up.
At this point in the metaphor my hostility towards the society that makes me unable to pay rent becomes clear! See, it's a good metaphor, I'm making good metaphors today.
I spent $15 on a teapot, tea tray, and incense I didn't need the other day, that being about the only sort of shit I can afford, because I spend all my time in my room in this chair right next to the incense burner, sitting the fuck around. I get too tired to wash the teapots when I'm done with them, even though we've got three, and when they're all dirty I don't drink anything and let myself get dehydrated and sick. So I got a fourth teapot to make myself more comfortable in my chair, plus some incense because it smells bad in here but I'm too tired to clean properly.
This morning I was so angry and despairing about genital mutilation of intersex kids and transphobia and homophobia and etc, I wanted to punch every goddamn internet commenter in the fucking face in alphabetical fucking order. I felt like I was fucking choking on how awful people can be, but I was too tired to go further than the kitchen.
So I got some yogurt - I needed to eat something with protein, and I'm sick of hummus on wheat bread because that's basically all I eat because I'm too lazy to make beans or anything - and I put a teaspoon of kratom in it. And that shit's only reason I've got the energy to write this post.
When I don't feel this way, I know where I'm going when I write something like this - I can find a point to end it with, because there's got to be one, but right now I don't know what I'm doing.
I want to do this because I am feeling pretty depressed about my inability to like, get a job which pays enough even that I can move out, much less buy other stuff.
The healthy way to handle this probably to be a better Buddhist and cultivate the knowledge that material goods are meaningless and that contentment can be achieved without them. Being a nerd like I am, the most understandable metaphor I've found for the futility of spending money on unnecessary things is that of leveling up in an MMO; you work for hours to get the level, to make things a little easier or be able to wear armor that's a little nicer. And then that becomes the norm, and you're focused on getting to the next level.
But nothing really gets easier or better. The game itself doesn't change. If you want something different, the only thing to do is stop playing. Find a better game.
The problem with depression is, there's no better game, because there are no games at all.
When I don't feel this way, there's a bunch of stuff that makes me happy in the moment that (to me, anyway) has meaning: making stuff - writing, coding, designing a website or poster or whatever - arguing, learning, doing something that helps people, teaching. (If the person I'm teaching's interested, anyway! If not, we're wasting each other's time.)
Depression eats meaning, though. I know I should care about these things, but right now I just don't. I just sit around a lot. I can't even read anything long. Meaning's a manufactured good, and my factory's shut down, I'm just buying from the competitors because I can't keep up.
At this point in the metaphor my hostility towards the society that makes me unable to pay rent becomes clear! See, it's a good metaphor, I'm making good metaphors today.
I spent $15 on a teapot, tea tray, and incense I didn't need the other day, that being about the only sort of shit I can afford, because I spend all my time in my room in this chair right next to the incense burner, sitting the fuck around. I get too tired to wash the teapots when I'm done with them, even though we've got three, and when they're all dirty I don't drink anything and let myself get dehydrated and sick. So I got a fourth teapot to make myself more comfortable in my chair, plus some incense because it smells bad in here but I'm too tired to clean properly.
This morning I was so angry and despairing about genital mutilation of intersex kids and transphobia and homophobia and etc, I wanted to punch every goddamn internet commenter in the fucking face in alphabetical fucking order. I felt like I was fucking choking on how awful people can be, but I was too tired to go further than the kitchen.
So I got some yogurt - I needed to eat something with protein, and I'm sick of hummus on wheat bread because that's basically all I eat because I'm too lazy to make beans or anything - and I put a teaspoon of kratom in it. And that shit's only reason I've got the energy to write this post.
When I don't feel this way, I know where I'm going when I write something like this - I can find a point to end it with, because there's got to be one, but right now I don't know what I'm doing.
