I am helpful.

Mom: I'm going to have to give a little speech about democracy and what it means to me. What should I say?

Me: Democracy is what separates us from dictatorships like World of Warcraft. It is what prevents Garrosh Hellscream from becoming Warchief.

Mom: I'm afraid that my audience may be unable to appreciate the subtleties of that. Such as they are.

Me: I mean, for one thing, the guy's name is Garrosh Hellscream.

Mom: Yeah, there's that.

Split pea soup is good if you are sick.

Yup.

1-lb bag of split peas
1 small purple onion, diced
1 large baking potato, peeled and diced
3 cloves garlic, diced/mashed
small piece of side meat or salt pork
salt and pepper

Run split peas over plate/cutting board to check for stones. Rinse in colander, then put in crockpot with all other ingredients and cover with 2-3 inches water. Cook on high until it bubbles up, then switch to low and cook until peas are too mushy to stick in your throat, about six hours. Discard meat and serve, if anyone else in the house wants to eat it (no one does). Put remainder in fridge and continue eating for several days in spite of alarming appearance. I don't care what it looks like, it's good.