London has confused the Summer Olympics with the Self-Parody Olympics.

That's where you compete to see how many stereotypes about yourself you can fit into a single event. After months of impersonating a George Orwell book, the London Olympics are allegedly planning to launch with a battle between Voldemort and Mary Poppins. I assume that teacups and monocles will be passed out to the crowd, the monocles to be popped at appropriate times, and there'll be a dramatic reading of a Daily Mail editorial exhorting people to think of the children. Then, they top everything off with a member of the royal family saying something racist while wearing a garment that cost 40,000 pounds.

When Kentucky hosted the Self-Parody Olympics, we detained all the Arab athletes at the airport and arrested all the black ones for walking around in an aggressive-looking manner. Every statement anyone involved made to the media was required to include a minimum of one laudatory remark about the coal industry, and a union miner was shot in effigy to kick things off.

Some of these Pastafarians are not being very helpful.

john196920022001: The only legal function ordained ministers have is performing marriages. I think this is the only issue where we need some kind of ordained officiant. I am already and ordained minister so I could perform a Pastafarian marriage if members are serious about the Pastafarian marriage issue.

Moral Minority: Only a pirate captain can perform a marriage ceremony, so you had better get yourself a cutlass, pistol, pirate regallia and a parrot.

john196920022001: That's fine if there is a provision available to do marriages. Is there some kind of official ordination to authorize Pastafarian pirate captains to marry? My main concern is to make sure the marriage is legal

Imber: What about the law that allows a ships captain to marry people as long as the boat is at sea? The only question then would be how long ago a Pirate Captain would have had to steal the boat to have it be considered his/hers. : )

evilbelgian: I think we honestly need a more realistic way to ordain our 'priests' than "sail the seven seas scavenging for loot". Still a formal ceremony would be awesome.

Zankou 2.0: There's no formality in piracy.

- a thread on the Flying Spaghetti Monster message boards