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Entry tags:
Exorcising Works Of Fiction I Will Not Complete
The one about princesses and my combative relationship with the works of Urobuchi Gen and Marion Zimmer Bradley.
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Sooten the Evil Wizard
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Princess Maukerbee of Subnormis's pretty decent at the Princess thing - she understands, like, taxes an diplomacy an that crap, which is supposed to be important for that sort a person. She don't go off an swordfight an she dresses appropriate, wearin mostly dresses and skirts unlike *some* a the princesses I could name. But she ain't any good at bein kidnapped by the evil villain, an that poses a problem in my personal opinion cause I don't like my princesses to be criticizin my ransom note's spellin.
"Look, please just let me edit this real fast before you send it off. I am going to get so much shit for being kidnapped by some asshole who can't figure out his terminal "g"s."
"Step off girl this don't even concern you."
"It's my ransom note, the hell it doesn't concern me. This's going to be embarrassing. And you are not going to get a good ransom out of my dad if you send him that letter. He's not going to take you seriously."
I don't appreciate my kidnapped princesses insultin my intelligence given that it is basically immense. I'd put her in the big princess cage in my crappier workroom cause it's way up in the clocktower and that's just easiest from a defensive standpoint given that this particular magic kingdom don't got flyin people an things. She was sittin cross-legged on the floor by the bars regardin me with an inappropriately disrespectful mien, and she been interruptin me an it's throwin me off my game which is why I showed her the letter, to shut her up. "Meubles cantcha put her where I can't hear her I got stuff that needs doin here."
Meubles rumbled scornfully at me and lashed me with his tail. See I get enough a this shit from my own personal demonbeastie I don't need it from a princess too. They are just supposed to weep quietly an tell me how bad their hero is going to beat me down, which, yeah right. I mean I am basically immortal an I heal from any injury right quick an I additionally got that thing goin on where no cell nor chain can hold me.
If I ever get defeated it ain't goin to be due to heroes. They are too conventional in their thinkin, all they know to do is kill you or maim you or lock you up. I got some vulnerabilities, Lor knows, but heroes ain't got the sort of mind can figure them out to properly exploit them. Heroes got shadows an they can sleep at night.
"Can't you at least spell your own damn name right? He's not even going to know who you are."
"That's how it's spelled," I told her sulkily. "I don't like that other spellin."
"No one's going to know who "Sooten" is. You're Tsuten fucking Kyoshu the shitty Taoist. Let me at least show you how we've been writing it -"
"Girl I am the *best* Taoist an there ain't any cuss words in my name. Why you been writin me down to begin with."
"Because you're our local evil wizard who blows up our buildings and kidnaps our maidens. It's just something we end up texting each other about when it happens. Give me a pen and I'll write your name for you."
"I ain't givin you a sharp thing so you can pick the lock or throw it at my eye like this's fight-the-basement-serpent-day all over again," I told her severely. A blind basement serpent's not much good, an I'd been pretty displeased with her main hero guy for messin mine up in that way. "An anyway Meubles is here an will wreck you if you mess with me so I dunno why you're even tryin that particular tactic on."
"Yeah, I'm scared of the white cat you keep around so you can pet it while you think up your evil plans. It's terrifying."
I don't get why I can't get none a these people to be scared a Meubles, they made enough noise about my serpent an in my opinion Meubles is much worse in that he's full a poison an can teleport an everythin. I been told his name ain't particularly threatenin, but I didn't choose it so.
"If you want you can dictate me like one single sentence to put in here at the end," I told her. "That's my gracious concession as the suave an sophisticated evil villain that I am."
"My sentence is "I'm sorry I got kidnapped by such a terrible villain, please remember to give Bootsy his insulin shot tonight." Pretty good sentence, right? It gives you no opportunity to screw up the "g"s and "of"s."
"I ain't puttin in that first bit but fine, there's your sentence."
I wrote instead, "PS: So I was going to let her add a sentence here but it was insultin and contained a code phrase of some description givin some details regardin her situation. Do yall think I was born yesterday an without basic mind readin capabilities I mean good Lor."
Princess Maukerbee said, "That looked longer than what I just dictated."
"Yeah well I added somethin of a parenthetical nature regardin your attitude." I gave the letter to my deliverin hawk, who'd been waitin outside the window for me to finish up here. I told Meubles, "Now you stay an make yourself useful for once an keep an eye on her, cause I have got to go do a thing."
Meubles ignored me an followed me into the kitchen cause he wants tinned fish like he always does. Meubles is really an awful familiar in all sorts a ways. I honestly don't like the guy much. The Princess yelled, "Get me a sandwich!" Not a good Princess.
Anyway a course they're not goin to pay any ransom, they're goin to send some heroes to fight me. It's about nine in the evenin an it'll take the bird about three hours to get to the castle, I can probably expect somethin to happen by one in the morning.
An a course that's what I wanted to happen because I don't need any ransom. Money's no good to an evil wizard. We got a different set of interests. It is inscrutable to normal people who got shadows, or so I am told, but I never tried to explain it to one anyway. Because who cares about them.
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Princess Seika of Dokuyakugoku
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Sir Jaxon knocked on the door to wake me up the next morning. He looked unhappy when I got to the door, which was normal for him. The usual cause of this emotion, however, was absent. I said, "Has poor Maukerbee been kidnapped again, then?"
"Of course. Would it cause any kind of diplomatic incident if you came to help me out? It's Tsuten Kyoshu again, we think."
"Your evil wizard who reacts badly to Princesses? Of course. We'll be down in just a moment." She closed the door and quickly unpacked her hunting clothes.
Ar complained groggily from the floor beside the bed, "I'm not a princess. And he's *your* wizard, isn't he?" Ar ruled the elves of Cler, a people who revered pedantry. Her title was Green Lady, which I think a pretty silly thing to call your ruler.
"No, I'd never heard of him before that first time he kidnapped her. And he really has a very peculiar accent, sort of Appalachian-AAVE-Cockney? Maukerbee hired a linguist to try to work out what was going on there, but the report she got back was just a lot of swearing. He doesn't seem to have *come* from anywhere."
Ar agreed dourly, "Yeah, evil wizards are like that. We never could figure out the Warlock In Red And Black. - Do you have poisoned arrows? Are you going to use poison arrows again?"
"I don't travel without poisoned arrows. It wouldn't be at all appropriate."
Ar said dubiously, "Does the name of your country really just translate to Poisonland? - I don't know why I keep asking you that, the answer never changes."
"You ask because you find it philosophically objectionable, as I suppose is your right as the representative of a society based on directness and temper tantrums -"
"No."
"- but it is nonetheless central to our national identity," I said, pulling my boots on. "I don't know that poison will be of any use against an evil wizard, but I suppose I'll give it a try."
"Can you please promise me that you'll be careful where you aim those things? I don't want you hitting Maukerbee. She's not from Poisonland, so she's not immune to everything."
"Neither am I," I reminded her impatiently. "I will not fire if I think it possible that I might hit Maukerbee, or anyone else aside from the wizard and his minions."
-
Sooten the Evil Wizard
-
Princess Maukerbee of Subnormis's pretty decent at the Princess thing - she understands, like, taxes an diplomacy an that crap, which is supposed to be important for that sort a person. She don't go off an swordfight an she dresses appropriate, wearin mostly dresses and skirts unlike *some* a the princesses I could name. But she ain't any good at bein kidnapped by the evil villain, an that poses a problem in my personal opinion cause I don't like my princesses to be criticizin my ransom note's spellin.
"Look, please just let me edit this real fast before you send it off. I am going to get so much shit for being kidnapped by some asshole who can't figure out his terminal "g"s."
"Step off girl this don't even concern you."
"It's my ransom note, the hell it doesn't concern me. This's going to be embarrassing. And you are not going to get a good ransom out of my dad if you send him that letter. He's not going to take you seriously."
I don't appreciate my kidnapped princesses insultin my intelligence given that it is basically immense. I'd put her in the big princess cage in my crappier workroom cause it's way up in the clocktower and that's just easiest from a defensive standpoint given that this particular magic kingdom don't got flyin people an things. She was sittin cross-legged on the floor by the bars regardin me with an inappropriately disrespectful mien, and she been interruptin me an it's throwin me off my game which is why I showed her the letter, to shut her up. "Meubles cantcha put her where I can't hear her I got stuff that needs doin here."
Meubles rumbled scornfully at me and lashed me with his tail. See I get enough a this shit from my own personal demonbeastie I don't need it from a princess too. They are just supposed to weep quietly an tell me how bad their hero is going to beat me down, which, yeah right. I mean I am basically immortal an I heal from any injury right quick an I additionally got that thing goin on where no cell nor chain can hold me.
If I ever get defeated it ain't goin to be due to heroes. They are too conventional in their thinkin, all they know to do is kill you or maim you or lock you up. I got some vulnerabilities, Lor knows, but heroes ain't got the sort of mind can figure them out to properly exploit them. Heroes got shadows an they can sleep at night.
"Can't you at least spell your own damn name right? He's not even going to know who you are."
"That's how it's spelled," I told her sulkily. "I don't like that other spellin."
"No one's going to know who "Sooten" is. You're Tsuten fucking Kyoshu the shitty Taoist. Let me at least show you how we've been writing it -"
"Girl I am the *best* Taoist an there ain't any cuss words in my name. Why you been writin me down to begin with."
"Because you're our local evil wizard who blows up our buildings and kidnaps our maidens. It's just something we end up texting each other about when it happens. Give me a pen and I'll write your name for you."
"I ain't givin you a sharp thing so you can pick the lock or throw it at my eye like this's fight-the-basement-serpent-day all over again," I told her severely. A blind basement serpent's not much good, an I'd been pretty displeased with her main hero guy for messin mine up in that way. "An anyway Meubles is here an will wreck you if you mess with me so I dunno why you're even tryin that particular tactic on."
"Yeah, I'm scared of the white cat you keep around so you can pet it while you think up your evil plans. It's terrifying."
I don't get why I can't get none a these people to be scared a Meubles, they made enough noise about my serpent an in my opinion Meubles is much worse in that he's full a poison an can teleport an everythin. I been told his name ain't particularly threatenin, but I didn't choose it so.
"If you want you can dictate me like one single sentence to put in here at the end," I told her. "That's my gracious concession as the suave an sophisticated evil villain that I am."
"My sentence is "I'm sorry I got kidnapped by such a terrible villain, please remember to give Bootsy his insulin shot tonight." Pretty good sentence, right? It gives you no opportunity to screw up the "g"s and "of"s."
"I ain't puttin in that first bit but fine, there's your sentence."
I wrote instead, "PS: So I was going to let her add a sentence here but it was insultin and contained a code phrase of some description givin some details regardin her situation. Do yall think I was born yesterday an without basic mind readin capabilities I mean good Lor."
Princess Maukerbee said, "That looked longer than what I just dictated."
"Yeah well I added somethin of a parenthetical nature regardin your attitude." I gave the letter to my deliverin hawk, who'd been waitin outside the window for me to finish up here. I told Meubles, "Now you stay an make yourself useful for once an keep an eye on her, cause I have got to go do a thing."
Meubles ignored me an followed me into the kitchen cause he wants tinned fish like he always does. Meubles is really an awful familiar in all sorts a ways. I honestly don't like the guy much. The Princess yelled, "Get me a sandwich!" Not a good Princess.
Anyway a course they're not goin to pay any ransom, they're goin to send some heroes to fight me. It's about nine in the evenin an it'll take the bird about three hours to get to the castle, I can probably expect somethin to happen by one in the morning.
An a course that's what I wanted to happen because I don't need any ransom. Money's no good to an evil wizard. We got a different set of interests. It is inscrutable to normal people who got shadows, or so I am told, but I never tried to explain it to one anyway. Because who cares about them.
-
Princess Seika of Dokuyakugoku
-
Sir Jaxon knocked on the door to wake me up the next morning. He looked unhappy when I got to the door, which was normal for him. The usual cause of this emotion, however, was absent. I said, "Has poor Maukerbee been kidnapped again, then?"
"Of course. Would it cause any kind of diplomatic incident if you came to help me out? It's Tsuten Kyoshu again, we think."
"Your evil wizard who reacts badly to Princesses? Of course. We'll be down in just a moment." She closed the door and quickly unpacked her hunting clothes.
Ar complained groggily from the floor beside the bed, "I'm not a princess. And he's *your* wizard, isn't he?" Ar ruled the elves of Cler, a people who revered pedantry. Her title was Green Lady, which I think a pretty silly thing to call your ruler.
"No, I'd never heard of him before that first time he kidnapped her. And he really has a very peculiar accent, sort of Appalachian-AAVE-Cockney? Maukerbee hired a linguist to try to work out what was going on there, but the report she got back was just a lot of swearing. He doesn't seem to have *come* from anywhere."
Ar agreed dourly, "Yeah, evil wizards are like that. We never could figure out the Warlock In Red And Black. - Do you have poisoned arrows? Are you going to use poison arrows again?"
"I don't travel without poisoned arrows. It wouldn't be at all appropriate."
Ar said dubiously, "Does the name of your country really just translate to Poisonland? - I don't know why I keep asking you that, the answer never changes."
"You ask because you find it philosophically objectionable, as I suppose is your right as the representative of a society based on directness and temper tantrums -"
"No."
"- but it is nonetheless central to our national identity," I said, pulling my boots on. "I don't know that poison will be of any use against an evil wizard, but I suppose I'll give it a try."
"Can you please promise me that you'll be careful where you aim those things? I don't want you hitting Maukerbee. She's not from Poisonland, so she's not immune to everything."
"Neither am I," I reminded her impatiently. "I will not fire if I think it possible that I might hit Maukerbee, or anyone else aside from the wizard and his minions."