I Am Completely Serious

I have become far too sensitive to odors.

2015-02-17T22:39:02Z

I am grossed out by the smell of my own menstrual discharge and presently considering, like, tying a lavender sachet inside my fucking pants or something.

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snarp @ 2015-01-17T14:46:00

2015-01-17T19:47:35Z

I am going to throw up all over basically everything.

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I couldn't drink coffee while I was sick.

2014-03-31T14:16:09Z

Coffee is well-known to aggravate and even cause Dying Of Dysentery.

But I just had some, and quickly began to feel much less shitty. Why do so many of the most useful chemicals have to cause dependence? Someone just. Hurry up and cure that particular physiological problem, make the anti-dependence pill. Install a neural network reset button.

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Ate solid food an hour ago, it did what solid food is supposed to.

2014-03-27T23:10:20Z

Will try and have some more in a little while.

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snarp @ 2014-03-27T16:38:00

2014-03-27T20:42:34Z

Me: So Dad the doctor said that you had to be the one to bring my stool samples back in.

Mom: He did say that. You specifically.

Dad: No.

Me: No, you have to. He said they won't be right somehow if it's someone else.

Dad: NoooOoo. No. No.

Mom: Dear, this is your daughter's health at stake.

Dad: That's why she has a good mother -

Mom: I don't think you're treating this situation with the gravity which it deserves.

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Back from doctor.

2014-03-27T20:21:37Z

Mom: So what are you supposed to do with the sample jar that has the fluid in it. Do I even want to know.

Me: I put some poop in there and then it grows into a tiny fucking tree that whispers quiet words of wisdom I don't know. I don't understand modern medicine.

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screw this

2014-03-26T17:37:48Z

me: So I think I have dysentery and am going to poop myself to death.

nurse I called on the phone from bed: I'm sorry, honey! That's really going around this week.

She told me to not eat for 24 hours and to drink all the world's Gatorade, because I was probably too dehydrated for just water. I could tell it was working when I started sweating again. I have a fever but I had stopped sweating, I was out of sweat.

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I feel like I should type something in this box here.

2014-03-09T02:46:51Z

Because I'm trying to do that every day, as a method of tracking my moods and coherency for future reference in evaluating the effectiveness of these unpleasant psychiatric drugs I'm on.

I could post about my brain or I could post about Sei Shonagon's brain. Different sets of problems with those two brains. I hope, anyway? I hope I don't have Sei Shonagon's problems, buried deep within me. I re-read half of The Pillow Book today, which is more than I've managed to read at a stretch in months, is where this is coming from.

I also listened episode 39 of Night Vale, and was pleased that there was a reference to Barry Hughart's Bridge of Birds. That's a really good book.

This has been my report on my brain, which is probably in my head still. When I knock on the side of my head, it does not make a hollow sound. (I just knocked lightly on the side of my head with my right fist.) Brain's probably in there, it's probably my own brain.

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Effexor

2014-03-07T20:34:52Z

Cons:

A sense of shaken giddiness and anxiety, like the seconds immediately following the moment at which you hit the brakes just in time to avoid a collision. This has gone on all day.

Pros:

It is a big improvement.

Also, my cat came back (she was gone for a day and a half), but I don't think that's related.

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Self-medicating like a non-compliant patient.

2014-03-06T04:24:06Z

Because the endocrinologist said "the problem's with your brain, get an appointment with someone who works on those," and the people who work on those won't call me back.

I've got some Effexor left over from when I was using it. Though the side effects were really bad, I was actually able to get work done while I was on it. The point at which I switched off it was very close to the point at which I stopped being able to update RoYAN regularly.

So I'm going to try going on a half-dose for a while. Hopefully I'll have found a psychiatrist and/or neurologist willing to pick up their phone by the time I run out.

The endocrinologist did suggest that, in my capacity as a vegetarian-when-convenient, I might not be getting enough vitamin B12. That seems unlikely to me, given that I've been taking multivitamins the whole time, and anyway went back to eating fish a while ago. But I'm adding some extra to my pointless supplement regimen anyway.

I'm aiming for emergency-situations-only kratom use, no more than four times per month. From sifting through a lot of mostly-mendacious forum and Reddit posts, I've come to the conclusion that it can produce post-acute withdrawal syndrome, and I obviously don't want that on top of everything else. I don't think I've formed the sort of dependency that could lead to it - my state since dumping it is not distinguishable from my ordinary unmedicated state - but it's not something I want to screw around with.

Also, I'm already too angry all the time, and I've noticed I get particularly short-tempered when it's wearing off. I don't want to punch somebody, even if they are running for public office on a platform of Build Rapture At The Bottom Of Lake Cumberland, or whatever it is that's going on in this goddamn state.

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Anhedonia

2014-02-28T04:11:12Z

I kind of hope it takes Hussie until summer to return from the hinterlands, because I want my current state of mind to be very far in the past when the final update goes up.

If it went up tomorrow, it would be like the time I went to Kyoto; I was too fucked-up to enjoy it, and I wish now that I'd saved the money and time and skipped it. The only parts of that trip I remember clearly are the parts I blogged or took pictures of, and the thematically-amusing panic attack outside of Myoushinji.

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Very tired for no reason, as per the recent pattern.

2014-02-22T04:14:05Z

But I guess moreso than usual the past couple of days, given that I have not been typing total nonsense into this box here. My movements will eventually slow to the point that the elementary particles from which I am composed will entirely cease to move. Science will be, like, "fuck what did we build this Large Hadron Collider for anyway."

I did bake some muffins today.

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Achievement Unlocked:

2014-02-18T01:06:04Z

Swallowed Liquid Nausea Medicine Without Immediately Vomiting It Back Up

So, I am done being sick now. Time to turn this game off.

Today was not helped by the dogs, one of whom, just as I was sitting down to eat my very bland breakfast after putting it off for hours, looked at me sadly and vomited up some worms.

I cleaned them up, spent twenty minutes forcing myself to eat so I wouldn't get dizzy and wreck the car, and took him to the vet. He went limp when he realized where we were, so I had to carry him. As one might expect, given his recent behavior, he smells like carrion.

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I want the Singularity to happen so I can upload my brain

2014-02-10T23:19:20Z

so it can do stuff while my body is asleep, which it is about half the time lately. I would feel better about these extended periods of inactivity if some iteration of me somewhere was getting shit done during them.

I've been setting my alarm the past few days, trying to force myself to spend more than twelve hours a day awake, but even when I make myself get up, drink some coffee, eat something with protein, and get stuff done, I'm still nodding off within a few hours.

Even when I get the twelve hours of sleep my brain seems to think I need, I'm having trouble moving the fuck around much. I exercised today for the first time in like a week, and I was tired after half a lap around the park. Usually I do three and then climb a bunch of stairs.

And I'm still getting dizzy and dropping stuff, and hurting myself every time I try to cook. I've got an endocrinologist appointment at the beginning of next month, but maybe what I should really be doing is getting the contents of my fucking skull looked at again. One of my doctors talked about doing an MRI last fall (I think I mentioned it here), but he never actually wrote the orders, and I was to out-of-it to remind him. Also, I do not actually enjoy getting slid into the screeching white Angry European Industrial Music coffin.

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Let's all agree/Never to be/Macho again.

2014-01-18T23:39:27Z

Steps to ripping your foot up and freaking out your mother.

1) While sitting in chair reading, abruptly feel dizzy and nauseous.

2) Reaction: "no! I didn't exercise yesterday, so I have to do it today! I will cure this ailment by means of taking it to the limit!" *

3) Change clothes and get on the treadmill, actually nearly falling down while climbing over the baby gate keeping the dogs out of the treadmill room. I could have just taken the gate out of the way, but that would have required bending over, which I felt I could not do.

4) Jog a mile and then take a shower, feel extremely dizzy upon emerging from shower because I have not had enough fluids today. Think, "it can wait until I eat in a few minutes." Do not drink a glass of water before putting on deodorant, etc.

5) Fall the fuck down and rip foot open on baseboards, cuss extremely loud, kind of hunch over there glaring at the baseboards for a second looking for something wrong with them to complain about.

6) There's nothing wrong with the baseboards - I am very talented and fell at just the right angle to rip the top of my foot open on the baseboards, of all things.

7) Limp out of bathroom sniffling and freak out Mom, ask her if she can put some bandaids on my blood-soaked foot that I cannot reach without falling the fuck down again.

8) Complain to internet.

* As per toxic cultural narratives of health/abledness/masculinity, which I have made fun of plenty of times on this blog and elsewhere. For this story it is important to remember that I am 1) pretty dumb, and 2) also a huge hypocrite.

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No nausea, relatively little dizziness today.

2014-01-12T17:37:45Z

Also no urge to make semi-coherent posts about Homestuck/Witches of Karres/Houshin Engi crossovers. Could there possibly be a connection?

I felt physically better yesterday, but today's the first day the inside of my head's felt like it was starting to clear up; I even read five pages at a stretch without needing to shut my eyes this morning. Incredible.

I still feel sick when I bend over, though, so I am not going to clean up all these disemboweled chewtoys.

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I will destroy your planet with the power of my nausea

2014-01-10T14:51:53Z

Apparently we've had a boil-water notice on all week. I called to complain that the water tasted like death and the guy said, "but they announced it on the radio."

kdsjfhaskjlfask

I mostly have been boiling it, and filtering it!, because I just have that sort of relationship with the tap water in this goddamn house. But I do not boil the water I brush my teeth with, and since I've been taking my vertigo tablets at the same time, I have probably been making myself sicker when I take my meds.

Also, it still tastes gross after being fucking boiled. I'm going to dump all that barley tea I made, go to the store for jugs of water. Maybe ritualistically destroy the fucking tea kettle, because it cannot be opened to clean it.

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The tap water tastes like charcoal and dust.

2014-01-10T05:51:42Z

Addressing problem intelligently by drinking wine instead.

Wait how do I brush my teeth.

#this is the modern way #it is also the medieval way #same way

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Personal nonsense.

2014-01-09T23:28:50Z

1) I have the world's most boring job again (search engine result evaluation for Leapforce).

Last time I passed their employment test, I had to quit almost immediately due to the brain tumor situation. Hopefully this event will not again foreshadow the need for major surgery.

2) Still nauseous, dizzy, and only sleeping a couple hours at a stretch, plus my ears are actually starting to hurt now. I do not feel comfortable actually putting in any hours yet.

3) Polydactyly the Cat is also sick, and has plainly been so for a while without me noticing; she's lost weight and her fur's greasy. I may have to ask Papaw to drive us to the vet tomorrow, because I'm not sure I can get out there on my own.

4) I think the heat pump's completely given the fuck out usjdkfhaskf. Going to hide in my room with space heater, tea, and sick cat if she chooses to participate.

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This ailment is so bad I'm not even whining about it properly.

2014-01-06T18:19:40Z

Usually I just say here immediately when I get a new stupid diagnsosis because I like complaining so very much, but I didn't this time, because I guess it is particularly bad and I forgot. The reason I am dizzy and nauseous and unusually angry at web standards is apparently that I have a really bad ear infection. I don't think they even gave me this many antibiotics the time I got pneumonia, these are huge pills. I'm taking something to fix the stomach problems and vertigo, too, which mostly works, but I'm still getting intermittent dizzy spells.

I think my slipper the dog took into the field is salvageable, so last night I threw it into the laundry room, which is down a flight of stairs. I threw it because I didn't feel great about negotiating stairs at that particular moment.

I just went over to toss some dishtowels down, and saw that I'd apparently been too dizzy even to effectively throw a slipper in the down direction, because it was wedged in this spot high up in the wall. If you get dizzy enough grabbity does not grab, it punches.

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I am sick

2013-12-31T17:22:53Z

Things I should not eat right now:

* Stuff high in fat (doctor told me not to because my gall bladder might be fucked up)

* Stuff that is spicy (the experiments I perform on myself daily have revealed this to me, hypothesis was "kimchi jjigae will not fuck me up and is a great idea")

* Stuff that is acidic (jfklasjg but I also have a vitamin C deficiency from eating mostly just pieces of bread with smushed legumes smeared on them for a week, how do I address this)

* Pu erh (I don't understand why the fucking pu erh is making me want to throw up, science has previously assured me it is good for stomach problems, all of which are treated exactly the same way)

Things I can eat okay:

* The chocolate pumpkin sour cream cupcakes I made after my doctor appointment, because there's not much oil and they're high in fiber, I will be a sick person who eats only confusingly-themed cupbcakes and you cannot fucking stop me medical establishment

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Time for an anxiety attack!

2013-12-17T02:49:36Z

Anxiety attacks happen when I read something that upsets me about, say, just throwing it out there, people wanting to cut SNAP benefits. And then I start thinking about how I'm going to run for office and just RAGE AT REPUBLICANS like some kind of atheist-Buddhist Cotton Mather, and I'm writing speeches in my head and can feel my throat creaking as my pretend voice starts to get hoarse, and at some point I get myself so worked up I start shaking and my ears start ringing and my brainscar hurts.

That's how to have an anxiety attack if you're me. I don't know how Keith Olbermann does it.

...

Keith Olbermann can do what he does because he's not a tiny woman who, on some subconscious level which she has yet to clean the shit out of, expects public anger to be met with wildly disproportionate physical retaliation, due to the sort of shit that happens in underfunded rural schools.

The thing that makes me feel like a shitty atheist-Buddhist is, there are people I haven't seen for more than a decade - people my age who are in worse situations than me and probably will be for their whole lives - who I cannot imagine encountering in real life without physically hurting them. One of them I think I did hurt, the last time I saw him.

I know that this is irrational, because I ran into one of them at someone else's house a few years back, and was polite to him. Another got himself killed while I was still in fucking high school.

But I always forget that when I think of them, because my memory of these guys is frozen in a particular moment when I was in middle school and hearing voices and waking up some days with the solid, indestructible certainty that the world was an unreal facade over something humming and gleaming with existential hostility towards me personally, and that the eyes of the toys I kept over my bed saw just as clearly as did those of people and dogs, which was not very, but nonetheless full of hate. And yet unfairly this mirror-thin world had the power to hurt me, and though I could feel its limitless anger at me like sunlight or wind, and hear it humming in empty rooms, my own anger was intangible, and I couldn't do anything.

Then we got the internet in the house and I made a site dissing a pop band. I got mountains of hate mail and fake legal threats and threats of violence. It was remarkably life-affirming.

I stopped to go pet the dogs for an hour and feel better. I'm just going to post this now without re-reading it.

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Food is hard before noon.

2013-12-12T12:28:09Z

I wish that in the mornings I could just plug myself into an IV until I'm hydrated and my blood sugar's at minimally-acceptable levels.

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Flings self from Thanksgiving in disgust.

2013-11-28T23:45:11Z

I ate some bread and a piece of Tofurkey, and was fine. Then I ate a piece of pie, and then I had to lie down for a while feeling sick and too hot.

I should have been able to eat two pieces of pie. Eating two pieces of pie is what this holiday is all about, when you subtract the ahistorical racist stuff anyway. My present physical condition is a gross impingement upon my rights as an American.

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snarp @ 2013-11-11T16:04:00

2013-11-11T21:08:16Z

I am so done with my ovaries, holy stolen Christ-crackers. So done that I will be replacing them with Japanese capsule-machine capsules containing little plastic Klavier Gavins.

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