I Am Completely Serious

Pet flea meds economics research.

2015-06-15T06:38:45Z

I was already in bed with the lights out, but then I thought about how I just gave the cats the last of the flea/tick meds, got worried about that because that's what I do, I worry about non-urgent problems, and got back online and researched preferred parasite practices for an hour.

Long story short, you want to get

1) a 1ml syringe without a needle,

2) a tiny glass vial, and

3) the cheapest large-sized fipronil/s-methoprene topical treatment available on eBay or Amazon. At the moment that's probably going to be the Fiproguard Plus for dogs weighing 88-132 pounds.

And then you squeeze the meds into the jar, and use the syringe to measure out and apply the appropriate quantity for your animal's size. Cats take about a 0.5 ml dose, and the mega-dog dose is about 4 ml.

So, I just spent $20 on a three-pack of Fiproguard Plus - ~12 ml - and the necessary implements, and assuming that I don't just spill it everywhere that's a year's worth of flea goop for both of my two jerks. So maybe this time when I go to bed it will take.

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Back home.

2014-03-21T15:00:05Z

Polydactyly the Cat demanded entry into my room four or five times last night, instead of her usual one, and is in here again now, watching me carefully to make sure I'm still the right person. She checked the ashes in the incense burner just now to make sure she recognized the stuff I burn before bed.

Someone was staying in my room while I was gone, and they didn't burn any incense - much less a specific variety at a specific time - so I'm sure that this was very confusing for her. Sorry, Polly.

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Reality-based stuff

2014-03-13T14:01:06Z

The twin dogs are, in fact, gone; we gave them to some people Dad knows yesterday. They were just causing too much strife among our pre-existing menagerie. One of the cats hadn't come inside for weeks despite the weather, and the big neurotic Saint Bernard was scared of them.

I'm sad about it, but it would have been cruel to the other animals to keep them around.

I'm almost out of Effexor, so I went to my GP to ask him to write me a prescription. He wouldn't, but he said he'd get me an appointment with a different psychiatrist, since the last one didn't work out, and gave me a month's worth of Pristiq samples. Pristiq is just a patent-extender for Effexor, as far as I can tell, and I'm not noticing any difference in the effects.

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Achievement Unlocked:

2014-02-18T01:06:04Z

Swallowed Liquid Nausea Medicine Without Immediately Vomiting It Back Up

So, I am done being sick now. Time to turn this game off.

Today was not helped by the dogs, one of whom, just as I was sitting down to eat my very bland breakfast after putting it off for hours, looked at me sadly and vomited up some worms.

I cleaned them up, spent twenty minutes forcing myself to eat so I wouldn't get dizzy and wreck the car, and took him to the vet. He went limp when he realized where we were, so I had to carry him. As one might expect, given his recent behavior, he smells like carrion.

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The tiny arthritic old cat sits on the couch.

2014-02-13T17:34:35Z

The dogs are afraid of her because she does not react to them when they poke at her. They take this as an expression of aplomb. In fact, she's too stiff to move, and sometimes can't see them.

The big Saint Bernard used to sit on the couch, but she's afraid of the tiny cat, so she sits behind the couch now. Of the smaller dogs, one of them has been witnessed to stare at her in perplexity for a long time, trying to decide if he dares get up on the couch. Eventually he was to uncertainly lie down next to her, as if awaiting judgment.

She didn't care. She was asleep.

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The twin dogs have different methods of communication.

2014-02-03T04:22:21Z

The badly-behaved one gets his face as close to yours as possible and stares. And stares. And stares. He will continue staring, with no change in expression or posture, for as long as you continue to pet him.

Is he attempting to communicate telepathically? If so, he's not doing a good job.

The well-behaved dog will wave at you with his left front paw to demonstrate that he wants to be petted. When you approach to do so, he will lie down on his back in the Submissive Gesture - but when you rub his belly, will capture your hand with his front paws like a cat.

The badly-behaved dog destroys the rawhides he receives as quickly as he can, to keep the other dogs from destroying them first. The well-behaved dog carries his rawhide around in his mouth proudly and defensively until it starts to fall apart, at which point he will begrudgingly begin gnawing it.

Once he tried to take one on a walk with Dad; Dad took it from him and put it in his pocket, and he stayed anxiously right next to Dad for the whole walk, peeling off only when they got home and Dad gave it back.

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We keep baby gates on the dining room doors to keep the dogs out.

2013-12-11T20:07:28Z

I just sent them into the yard and shut the door on them. Thirty seconds later, cats began to stream steadily over the dining room gates. One is now grooming my hair.

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Oh my godcat.

2013-08-22T23:41:49Z

I apparently didn't flush the toilet last time I used it, because I walked into the bathroom a minute ago to find Polydactyly the Cat leaning into the bowl, lapping at the yellow water.

POLLY NO OMG STOP

She was reluctant to stop. When I'd herded her halfway to the door, she laid down and looked sadly up at me, hurt and betrayed that I had prevented her from drinking pee. I picked her up and put her outside.

There's water in her bowl! I refilled it a couple hours ago, she saw me doing it! Did she deliberately seek out my urine!? Augh.

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No, dog, you cannot be a menstruation-sniffing dog.

2013-07-30T01:41:58Z

Neither the police nor the military have any use for this skill. Even the TSA does not need a menstruation-sniffing dog. Back off my crotch.

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Damn you, Murdercat.

2013-04-30T01:56:13Z

Some time within the last hour, Murdercat climbed up on the sink and peed blood onto the hand towel hanging there. This was very considerate of him, putting it right where I would definitely notice it.

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Damn you, Andrew Hussie.

2013-04-29T15:24:21Z

I was on the Barnes and Noble website and saw the word "Nook" and went "WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR PRODUCT THAT"

Oh, wait.

Have I been able to get murdercat into his box? No, I have not been able to get murdercat into his box. He just peed normal-looking pee on Mom's yoga mat, though! So maybe he's okay now?

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why is pet ownership so hard

2013-04-29T12:43:56Z

Terrible Neurotic Half-Feral Old Murdercat: *pees blood all over kitchen counter*

Me: OH SHIT

Me: HOW AM I GOING TO GET YOU IN A CARRIER CAT

Me: YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH, INCLUDING MY TOES, FREQUENTLY

*I shut him in a room, go find the dog-sized carrier, bring it in there, and go to get a towel. When I return, he is stepping daintily into the carrier. I shut the door behind him.*

Me: OH SHIT

Me: IT'S SATURDAY EVENING THE VET IS CLOSED

Me: *calls vet on her cell*

Me: *has the vet's cell number in her phone, obviously*

Vet: Calm down. Describe his behavior to me.

Me: HE TRIED TO DOUBLE KILL ME

Me: CLAWS AND TEETH ALIKE WERE UTILIZED

Me: SUBSEQUENTLY HE DID A BACKFLIP INTO THE SINK

Me: So yeah, he's acting normal, but I just noticed he peed blood in the shower, too. It formed a happy face, so I think he's making fun of me.

Vet: Yeah, probably, but it sounds like he's just got a UTI. Do you still have like a zillion antibiotics lying around from the rest of your diseased elderly menagerie? Try and get some of those into him and bring him in on Monday.

Me: Okay.

It's Monday now! I cannot find the goddamn cat. And when I do, there is no way that he is going to walk calmly into that fucking carrier a second time.

I need my Old Republic character to loan me her armor, or at least her mook.

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snarp @ 2013-04-17T17:04:00

2013-04-17T21:04:13Z

Neither the diabetic dog nor I have any appetite, but I think that in my case it is due to all the dog vomit I have cleaned up. He did that thing where he kept walking while vomiting and just kind of trailed it from the back doors to the front.

The vet's closed for the day, so he'll go in the morning if he's still not feeling well.

This is why we cannot let the diabetic dog go outside unattended, family. He will trot over to the park, mooch hotdogs from picnickers, and make himself sick.

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Transcript of adorable kid at vet.

2013-02-21T22:50:42Z

Kid: *stares at me intently*

Me: Hi!

Kid: There's a dog there!

Me: Yup. There are a lot of dogs here.

Kid: Because it's a dog place.

Me: Well, it's also a cat place. There are a lot of cats here, too.

Kid: *looks around excitedly* Where? Where are the cats?!

Me: Well, I've got one here in this carrier. See?

Kid: *examines Tragedy the Cat* Where's her face?!

Me: She's facing the back of the box because she's nervous. She can hear the dogs barking.

Kid: *moves around to side of box* There's her face! I can see it! She's a pretty cat.

Me: Yup. And you know what? She's older than you!

Kid: I'm five!

Me: She's fourteen.

Kid: Wow! When I'm fourteen, I'm going to - *continues talking, but is too excited by thought of being fourteen to remain comprehensible*

Me: You know what? When you're fourteen, you'll be the same size as her. You start shrinking, you know.

Kid: *dubious expression*

Me: I made that up, it's not true. *I was an amazing teacher btw*

Kid: Okay, good. I want to pet her.

Me: You can pet her through the bars here if she'll let you, but we can't take her out. She's upset that I put her in the box and might run away. She's not upset at you, though, just me.

Kid: She's mad that you put her in the box?

Me: Yup. But I had to, because she needed to go to the doctor. If you don't put a cat in a box, it won't go to the doctor. She was so mad at me when I put her in there that she scratched my wrist, see?

Kid: But she won't scratch me because I didn't make her mad! She's letting me pet her! She's so pretty.

Me: She likes being petted. She also likes eating flowers, even though they make her sick.

Kid: Oh! If you eat flowers, you - *excitedly tells a story about flowers making your stomach blow up, if I understood correctly*

Me: Uh-oh. Well, you better not eat any flowers, then.

Kid: No! Mom!

*runs over to tell his Mom about the flower-eating cat he petted, then comes back and pets her some more*

Kid: What's that? *points to model of worms on a shelf behind me*

Me: Those are bad worms that live in the dirt. They can make animals sick. See? *get the model down for him* Can you read this little sign on the worms?

Kid: It says, "These Are Worms!"

Me: Nope. It says "Pick Me Up!" You want to pick it up?

Kid: *picks it up* There are a lot of worms!

Kid's Mom: What are you doing?

Kid: Look, it's worms! They're bad worms. *climbs up on bench and carefully puts bad worms back where they were* And here's the cat! She lets me pet her! She's not mad at me, but she's mad at her, see? *grabs my wrist to show off my scratch*

Me: Yup. She was really angry with me for putting her in that box. She's turned around again now, though, so I think she may want to go to sleep.

Kid: We should sing her a lullaby! *sings "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to the cat, slightly incorrectly* Good night, cat!

Me: Very good. She's fast asleep. *she's not really*

Kid's Mom: We've to go meet your sister and Dad now. Say bye-bye to the cat, okay?

Kid: Byyyye!

Me: Bye! She says bye, too!

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