Mar. 21st, 2016 03:25 pm
I just had a semi-planned minor surgery and am presently still stoned and sore, so I if you are expecting communications from me please expect delays.

Cut for what the surgery was (and I am posting this here and not Tumblr because it's gross and Tumblr doesn't respect cuts).

Read more... )

Jul. 14th, 2015 09:33 pm


#dad says stuff #or #mom says stuff #possibly #there's punctuation other than hyphens so mom must have typed it at least
Me: The lab technician asked me why they were taking all my blood out -

Mom: They didn't take all of it.

Me: - and I just told her it was because I was turning into the wolfman.

Mom: I don't think that will happen.
Dad: We're going to a thing for [name], they're giving him an award.

Me: What kind of an award?

Dad: It's a Jewish thing, he's... he's Jew of the Year.

Mom: No.

Dad: He is! It's a Jewish thing, a Jewish organization's giving him an award.

Me: The award is probably not "Jew of the Year."

Mom: It's not.

Dad: Yes, it is! It's a Jewish thing, it'll be full of Jews, and they'll all be like oy gevalt, oy gevalt -

Me: This is exactly why you've never won Jew of the Year.

May. 16th, 2015 11:34 pm
Mom: Who are you even trying to kid, you only use the internet to read animes.

me at age 16: MANGA

SHOUNEN MANGA

LEARN THE TERMINOLOGY MOM GOD

Mom: Mangos?

me at age 16: YOU ARE JUST MESSING WITH ME AT THIS POINT

Mom: That's correct.

-

me now: *speaking to a high school assembly* kids this is what shounen manga will do to you *shows slide of my seven diseased lungs* they were growing out of my back

Feb. 20th, 2015 09:28 pm
Mom: Who is that singer who never shows her face, she like wears masks, and in her first video she wore a big white wig, and there was this little girl, dancing...?

Me: Are you sure this isn't a dream you had?

Mom: No, I saw her on TV! While I was snowed in.

Me: So it was a *hallucination.*

Mom: No this is a real person, I just can't remember her name! Look her up, the person who always wears a mask -

Me: Banksy!

Mom: No!

Feb. 12th, 2015 11:07 pm
Mom: - just one of those pro se litigants who are like “you and every other lawyer in Kentucky is conspiring to make me lose my small claims case!” And I’m like, "buddy. I don’t know who you are, you’re in some little town in western Kentucky I have literally never even heard of. You are not on my list.”

me: “So you do have a list! I knew it!”

Mom: Yes, my list of people against whom I am conspiring along with the entirety of the Kentucky bar. We all get along so well.

me: “I will have justice! I’m off to file a FOIA request for your list!”

Mom: No, no, we’re private individuals doing this conspiracy, he can’t do a FOIA.
because I was too tired to have it. It was the meltdown about Dad’s sanitary problems.

Mom: Oh my god. I’m going to - I was cleaning his juicer - I’m going to just leave it like this and show him.

me: That’s not going to work.

Mom: This is disgusting, I’m going to show him what he did.

me: It doesn’t work, Mom, he can’t learn, stuff doesn’t like. Stick to his brain, anymore.

Mom: Dear, look at this. Look at what was in your juicer, I’m cleaning your juicer and -

Dad: No! I cleaned it out!

Mom: Then what is this?!

Dad: I don’t know, I cleaned it out! It’s fine. Is it clean, can I make more juice, I have oranges -

Mom: *small noise* No, you can’t use it! I have to sanitize it first, it needs to be bleached all over - you’re going to kill yourself! You are going to literally poison yourself doing things like this!

Dad: No, it’s fine!

me: He has literally poisoned himself and you and me and everyone else several times that I know of. It has yet to affect his behavior.

Dad: Oh I’m just getting pummeled here. Is that one or two “l”s, “pummeled.”

Feb. 7th, 2015 02:25 pm
Mom wrote an email to my psychiatrist explaining that my brain is leaking out my ears and something needs to be done about it.

The thing I object to about the email is the statement that I have a “cleanliness obsession,” which is untrue. I just have parents who conduct themselves like frat boys in that particular arena.
Dad: [name] is sitting over there! He ordered ice cream. Should I go talk to him?

Me: He's suing you. Are you allowed to talk to him directly?

Dad: But he's still working for me! He's working for me on the X case and suing me over the Y case.

Me: How is he supposed to get you his report? Like he sends it via counsel?

Dad: I got it in the mail. Should I go over and say hi? What's the protocol, honey?

Mom: *heavy sigh*

Dad: I'm going to go talk to him. *leaves*

Me: If Dad grabs a spoonful of his ice cream and then runs away, we'll know the conversation's gone badly.

Mom: Let's just leave. We came in separate cars, anyway.

Apr. 5th, 2014 11:41 pm
thegeekgene: No. But see. If I cosplay Cronus, then Cronus will have fantastic breasts. And then everything will be fine!

me: No.

Mom: What?

thegeekgene: Yes.

me: No. According to Tumblr user punpunichu -

Mom: What.

me: - everything will still be terrible, because his personality will be still be terrible. - that's a Tumblr artist who draws pictures of this character doing terrible things and having terrible things done to him. As is canonical.

thegeekgene: Fuck you.
And she BETRAYED MY TRUST.

thegeekgene: So I need to get some Cronus horns...

me: No! No, you don't need that!

thegeekgene: I am going to cosplay Cronus. ceruleancynic told me I should cosplay Cronus. I have to!

me: *intense glaring*

thegeekgene: Why are you so unsupportive of my goals? You're my sister, you have to be supportive! Mom, tell her to be supportive.

Mom: *reading Captain America fanfic or some shit and not paying this conversation the attention it deserves* Be supportive of your sister's goals.

me: No! The guy she's going to dress as, he's a sexual assailant! And he's dead. Sexual assailant ghost. Alien. Who dresses like a greaser.

Mom: ...actually, that sounds pretty bad...

me: Yes.

thegeekgene: Supportive! I need support from my family!

-

thegeekgene: "Are there any other orders you would like to issue to me in a manner that is similarly forceful"... Equius is great. Can I cosplay Equius? Is that okay?

me: Fine, yes, cosplay the dubious-consent horsefucker guy, see if I care. Just don't be Cronus.

Mar. 27th, 2014 04:38 pm
Me: So Dad the doctor said that you had to be the one to bring my stool samples back in.

Mom: He did say that. You specifically.

Dad: No.

Me: No, you have to. He said they won't be right somehow if it's someone else.

Dad: NoooOoo. No. No.

Mom: Dear, this is your daughter's health at stake.

Dad: That's why she has a good mother -

Mom: I don't think you're treating this situation with the gravity which it deserves.
Mom: So what are you supposed to do with the sample jar that has the fluid in it. Do I even want to know.

Me: I put some poop in there and then it grows into a tiny fucking tree that whispers quiet words of wisdom I don't know. I don't understand modern medicine.
Me: You're watching criminals again, Mom.

Mom: Yep.

Me: Don't you get enough of that at work?

Mom: No... How could they possibly have shown that video of the woman with Alzheimers to a jury?! There's no way to cross-examine her! I've seen a death penalty case get thrown out over that, and they couldn't re-prosecute! Ugh.
Dad: NO I DIDN'T WANT TO DELETE IT NOOOoo

Mom: *Ursula the Sea Witch cackle* you deleted it.
Dad: I'm not going to do it! I'm not! I'm not going!

Me: Once I had to get an upper GI series done, Dad? I had to fast, and then I went in they made me put on a robe and drink a big cup of barium, and I heaved some of it up on the robe and had to change and then drink even more. I didn't get to be asleep for this, they didn't put it into me with a tube down my throat, I had to consciously chug that barium. Whereas you are going to be asleep -

Dad: You know, in ancient civilizations, they didn't have colonoscopies. And they were fine!

Me: Dead by forty.

Dad: Maybe it was better that way.

-

Dad: I'm not doing it! No!

Mom: Dear, you are going, or I am never going to humor another complaint about your stomach again. All right? You will sit there whining, and I will simply ignore your suffering.

Dec. 7th, 2013 03:33 pm
Mom: So your dad and I were watching this movie last night - it's probably the most realistic legal movie I've ever seen, but it's so sad.

Me: The John Travolta one again?

Mom: No, it's called Justice for All - there's this defense attorney, and he's trying so hard, just throwing himself into it, but of course the justice system is very corrupt, and everything goes wrong. At the end he has a nervous breakdown in the courtroom, screaming that there is no justice.

Me: This is the most realistic legal movie you've ever seen, Mom? - why do you want your daughters to go to law school, again?

Mom: Well... but the judges in this movie are really bad, see; there's this corrupt judge who takes him up in a helicopter and cuts the engine, and says "don't worry, I'll turn it back on before we hit the water" -

Me: Mother, I know full well what the Kentuckian judiciary gets up to! That is not unusual behavior!

Mom: Okay, yeah.

Nov. 16th, 2013 10:56 pm
Mom just texted me a picture of someone wearing a feathered headdress at a sports thing of some variety.

Mom: Offensive stereotypical Native American headdress?

Me: Why are you with the apache tracker that guy is such an asshole.


I think her strategy is that if she talks about Night Vale with me and thegeekgene, we will be less likely to discuss Homestuck porn in her hearing. She's on AO3 all the time, so I know she reads porn, but I think she sticks exclusively to X-Files and stuff from the 1970s, to ensure it's not something either of us wrote under a pseudonym.

Which isn't even a good strategy, thegeekgene's all over the 70s gay cop stuff. I think she's a Time player or something.
Me: It’s not just a psychic house, it’s a psychic city! Most of it below the ground, I guess.

Mom: Full of tiny people, preparing to wage war upon us.

I wonder if they will hire me on the basis of my accurate Homestuck predictions.

Speaking of which, I think the new Universe Frog’s somehow going to turn out to be Calliope, possibly by virtue of the rainbow-frog eating Blinky Herberty Serenity. Because she looks like a frog and is Madoka, and also because Jade likes frogs and Calliope’s self-esteems will magically be cured forever if Jade says she’s cute. Yeah.

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