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The closest I can come up with are:

* Dragon Ball fusion dance, obviously,

* Homestuck sprite-merges, and

* that skeevy Voyager episode where the transporter scrambles Tuvok up with Neelix, making a new guy who understandably does not want to be rendered non-existy again.

The closest analogue I'm coming up on an emotional/character level is Fukki from Houshin Engi, though. He's not quite a perfect example, plot-wise? He's one of those manga cases where someone's multiple personalities had separate physical bodies and ran with separate social circles, like Piccolo/Kami in Dragon Ball and Kaos/Den in Battle Angel.

In most cases like this, once the individuals fuse, they can't freely un-fuse again, and the final person looks and mostly acts like one of the two. The situation is usually basically "Person One Absorbs Person Two's "Powers," And Maybe A Few Useful Character Traits."

Fukki's the only case I can think of in which one of the two halves was the main character, and the two people have forgotten that they used to be one person. They spend several volumes arguing with each other and building up a rivalry/rapport. The merged individual still looks exactly like the hero, like in the other cases, but he has a new name and different relationships and priorities.

Anyone have other examples?
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You want to make some Heian- or Meiji-era historical figure be a sexy wizard with named secret combat techniques, fine, I will accept this in the spirit in which it is presented.

But if it's the Edo era, it's just. I feel like I'm reading a story where Thomas Jefferson and John Adams are sexy wizards. That's too mundane a time period somehow and I cannot take your shounen manga seriously. I'm sorry but I cannot do this.
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Maka Albarn from Soul Eater has pretty much got to be named after Damon Albarn the Gorillaz guy.
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Re-reading Hunter x Hunter, stepping over the Chimaera Ant arc like a sleeping feral cat.
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Ouran High School Gray Warden Club

No, that name doesn’t sound good

Anyway, Alistair’s Tamaki, DAO female protag is Haruhi, Morrigan is Kyouya, Leliana and Zevran are the twins. Templars are the football team, mages are the Zuka club.

# I guess shale is honey? # if so sten's probably mori # I don't know what to do with Wynne though # oghren is... kasunoda? # anders is certainly nekozawa
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I used to be one of those people who used their dubious high-school French skills to do second-gen English manga translations. You can recognize us because sometimes the word "hazard" shows up in weird places.

YUKIMURA: But what a hazard to meet you here! KYO: Is it really 'a hazard'?

Because come on, we don’t fucking know what “hasard” means! We already had to learn "chance" and "destin," what are we gonna do with a third word. God.

Don't even talk to me about "sort."
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Characters in Bleach die and go to Yami no Matsuei, and characters in Yami no Matsuei die and go to Bleach.

Characters who die in both consecutively go to Dragon Ball - aka, hell - a realm where there is no true death, and therefore, no hope of escape.

#'but where do characters who die in homestuck go preacher' #'they become horses in mercedes lackey books'
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WELL, BLEACH, SURELY THIS DEVELOPMENT ADDRESSES ALL MY OBJECTIONS.

that sentence was a lie )
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Dreamed about one of those rich manga families whose financial success depends upon their practice of sacrificing the occasional child to some supernatural horror with which they have made an unholy pact. They had a tentacle monster in a swimming pool. They tricked their obligatory black-sheep yanki boy with the leather jacket and dubious hair into going up to the edge of the water, allowing the monster to grab him.

The monster turned out to just want the kid to study the environmental sciences with an emphasis on water quality. When I woke up, he was at a seminar about low-tech methods of sewage filtration used in developing countries, being held in a pleasant coastal town popular among retirees for its hot springs. He felt this situation to be all wrong for his image.
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There's no actual "fucking" in the title, that was me expressing incredulity. There is, however, fucking in the manga itself. It's a shoujo manga where the "bad boy" character in the high-school love triangle is literally Satan. I don't remember why Satan's going to high school. I guess the same reason vampires do.

It's hilarious, particularly in really stilted scanlations. Satan shows he's secretly a nice guy by adopting a persecuted crow-demon child.
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at which I once merely rolled my eyes.

I cannot handle Chigusa in Silver Diamond anymore. He needs to keep his hands off that teenager.

skdfhaskfhd

Dec. 6th, 2013 01:43 am
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When you feel extremely shitty and cannot sleep, the appropriate thing to do is re-read all of Battle Angel Alita. All of it. I just got to the Last Order arc where Kishiro got grumpy and started drawing dicks all over everything.

SERIOUS BATTLE ANGEL ALITA SPOILERS: Aliens tried to contact us by sending a giant dickbot to kill us with its giant dick, because their observation of human culture led them to believe that that's pretty much how we roll.

Kishiro really doesn't get enough credit for the solidity of his worldbuilding. Never before have I encountered such a chillingly plausible first contact scenario.

Fortunately there were a couple SPACE KARATE dudes, who SYMBOLIZE SHOUNEN MANGA, because, that is how shounen manga works, it has some fucking SPACE KARATE in it. One of them became the Bodhisattva of PUNCHING STUFF IN SPACE SO HARD IT EXPLODES, but then the other, whose hair is a bunch of smaller robot dicks, PUNCHED the Bodhisattva SO HARD HE EXPLODED along with his whole temple. Then he PUNCHES the giant dickbot SO HARD IT EXPLODES.

Young vandals, this is the sort of craftsmanship to which you should aspire. This is what it looks like when a dedicated professional draws dicks all over everything.
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The game is definitely a joke. It is trolling you and you are allowing it to do so. Stop liking this game, your opinions are wrong, you should like something I like instead.

I know, you can like 7 Seeds and Hayate x Blade instead! 7 Seeds is like Homestuck if it went grimdark, and Hayate x Blade is like Ouran High School Host Club but all-lesbian and with swordfights. These things are relevant to your interests.
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Every single purchase page in Square Enix's irredeemably badly-run online manga site includes a prominent link to a stern lecture about how scanlations are destroying "the future of manga".

There are even legal threats in there. "Oh, I see that you are considering giving us money. Well, I hope you're not also considering clicking away to read our titles for free on a better-designed site run by amateurs! Because if so WE'LL SEE YOU IN COURT YOU LITTLE SHITS."

The scanlations have been here longer than you have, guys, I really don't think they're the problem. The problem is a combination of technological incompetence on your part and the artistically stagnant and increasingly-irrelevant nature of your product. So, like DC Comics, only with more UST between dudes.
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JOHN: ok. what's this story about?

JOHN: ogre sex, or salamander shipping, or something?

ARANEA: Nope! Although I would 8e happy to tell you all a8out those topics another time.

Aranea Serket: A huge idiot who cannot effectively convey her fannish zeal for things in under 2,000 words, thus making everyone else mistrust/hate the things in question.

I overidentify with Aranea! How many ineffective rambling rec posts have I even written about Vampire Game? Probably a lot.

(Okay, Vampire Game in one sentence: It's an inexplicably non-misogynistic vampire manga, sort of about Bella Swan attempting ineffectually to use Edward Cullen to destroy her enemies, drawn really badly and adapted into English by someone who thought jokes about anal sex and jell-o were just the very best thing.)
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As of May 30th 2013 at 11:59pm (US Pacific Time) users will no longer be able to view digital manga content on JManga.com. At this time all purchased and free digital manga content will be erased from all JManga Member’s accounts.

You were brought into existence, JManga, by beings who desired to banish the internet again into the maelstrom from which it had formed. As such, your business plan was crafted as a formalized gesture of spite, towards a future in which your creators saw themselves diminishing in stature, becoming mere men, and old. And so they spake, and said,

can we go back to the eighties lets go back to the eighties okay.

(That's what they said.)

And then, JManga, they created you.

You were an abomination. And your life was not a good one.

* You were asking people to pay real-book-type prices for low-resolution scans of poorly-edited manga.

* Which were not downloadable. Not even with DRM. They could be accessed only from your servers, using your website and or your proprietary apps.

* As such - as any erstwhile user of Yahoo! Music or other such services well knew - we did not buy those low-resolution scans from you. We merely rented them, until came the day upon which you would shrug your shoulders, say "welp, I tried," and shut down your servers.

* You didn't actually try.

* Like, your website and apps were so bad? That I think they were meant as some kind of deliberate "fuck you."

* You didn't even release the mobile apps until last October.

* Wait, did the iPad app ever come out? (Edit: It didn't.)

* It's just kind of hard to believe you were serious about entering this market, is I guess what I'm saying, JManga.

* So, I don't really care that you're dead.

* Someone else should probably have delivered the eulogy.

(Tumblr Crosspost)
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Who thought it was a good idea to make a shitload of Harlequin manga in the first place? Why does it comprise like 3/4 of the josei catalog? Does anyone under the age of sixty even read Harlequins? It just seems like a huge demographic mismatch.

Screenshot of Harlequin manga covers with Facebook 'like' boxes on top; one of them, 'Keeping Luke's Secret,' has received a single lonely 'like'.

(those facebook like boxes)

Look at these awful titles:

The Italian Playboy's Secret Son

Sale or Return Bride

The Italian's Passionate Revenge (oh, no! Same Italian?)

The Sheikh's Reluctant Bride

The Sheikh's Contract Bride (the sheikh is keeping busy)

The Billionaire's Virgin Mistress

Married By Mistake! (okay, yeah, that sounds like a manga)

Purchased For Revenge (that, too)

The Forced Bride (this fucking genre, my god)

Cowboys, Babies, and Shotgun Vows (well that sounds crazy fucking romantic)

The Italian's Token Wife (you know it is exactly this sort of behavior that got you guys stuck with Silvio Berlusconi for like nine years)

The Billionaire Boss's Forbidden Mistress (no one forbids the Billionaire Boss! Mistresses, that is. No one forbids him mistresses.)

Pregnant by the Millionaire (she should have held out for the billionaire)

Royally Bedded, Regally Wedded (or maybe whoever this guy is)

The Sheikh's Ransomed Bride (geez sheikh how many of those do you even need)

The Spanish Duke's Virgin Bride (new nationality here, so this story must be completely different from every single one of the others)

The Millionaire's Pregnant Mistress (is this the same as that other millionaire-baby one but retitled? No, it looks like it's different.)

A Date With a Billionaire (she gets a look at his cell phone while he's in the bathroom and the address book is just "virgin one," "pregnant one," "forbidden one," so she walks out and calls up the cowboy. The cowboy is such a good listener.)

Mistress Bought and Paid For (goddamn we are purchasing a lot of fucking women in these stories, what the hell is wrong with Harlequin)

To Marry a Stranger (the stranger has an eyepatch, so yeah this is basically a manga, sure)

Marriage Scandal, Showbiz Baby! (the scandal is that the baby is a reincarnated vengeful alien ghost, right? Because it's manga. Right?)

Claiming His Pregnant Wife (this sounds like a tagline given to a murder by an awful local news station)

Public Wife, Private Mistress (that's generally how it works yeah)

Traded to the Sheikh (I'll bet it was the Spanish Duke initiating this arrangement, I never trusted that guy)

The Billionaire's Secret Baby (oh we all know the billionaire sucks at keeping secrets)

A Wife in Time (I'm unfortunately pretty sure that this isn't about time travel, how are these even manga)

Princess of Convenience (that doesn't even make sense)

The Stanbury Crown, Royally Wed IV - An Officer and a Princess (oh god so someone felt there needed to be three other manga about the royalty of someplace called Stanbury getting married over and fucking over? I bet there are white horses with frilly tack involved.)

Wife By Agreement (well, that's a pleasant first)

The Stanbury Crown, Royally Wed II - The Blacksheep Prince's Bride (there's supposed to be a space in "black sheep" you terrible prince)

The Stanbury Crown, Royally Wed III - Code Name: Prince ("dude that is the shittiest codename" "look do you want to have a goddamn frilly horse wedding or not")

To Woo a Wife (this is really fucking progressive for these things)

The Stanbury Crown, Royally Wed I - The Expectant Princess ("i am expecting to give birth to a secret fucking agent")

Billionaire Bachelors: Stone (maybe the billionaire bachelors are like, elementally-themed, and they're a team of chosen warriors who fight evil together? Because it's manga.)

In The Arms of the Sheikh ("oh baby i have three or four wives already" "that is so hot")

The Celebrity Doctor's Proposal ("oh baby i want to surgically alter your vulva to be more symmetrical, and also marry you maybe" "no i am going to go see if the sheikh's got any spots open")

Million Dollar Men II - Millionaire Husband (these guys are the Monthly GFantasy knockoff of the Billionaire Bachelors)

Million Dollar Men III - The Millionaire's Secret Wish ("man i wish i was a billionaire bachelor, they have that cool elemental thing going on and takahiro sakurai voices one of them in the anime")

Million Dollar Men I - Expecting the Boss's Baby (there are three dudes on the cover of this one, I'm confident that it's mpreg and not just an establishing shot of this crappy hero team together)

Angus's Lost Lady (gonna pretend this is about some cows)

Daniel and Daughter (uh)
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"It's like manga without the misogyny."

(I no longer read new manga without having seen at least three reviews from trusted sources affirming a complete lack of misogyny. Because I work at a criminal defense firm, and my tolerance for sexual predators is pretty thin by the end of the day.)
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Except Andrew Hussie, Tamura Yumi, and Juan Santapau. They're fine.

Recommend me some really bad manga to read, and assuming my energy levels are reasonable, I will endeavor write rude things about them here.

(Bad manga that are available for illegal download, because I cannot spend my Christmukkougatsu shopping money on bad manga.)
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Oh my god, Heart of Thomas is basically one of Karkat's troll romance novels.

Thomas ><3 Juli
Juli ><3 Eric
Eric ? Juli
Oscar <> Juli

They are all doomed because of their failure to arrange things sensibly for bucket-filling purposes.

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The contents of this blog and all comments I make are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike License. I hope that name is long enough. I could add some stuff. It could also be a Bring Me A Sandwich License.

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