Four months after final bulb in living room light fixture dies, dumbass finally tackles monumental task of getting step-stool out of one closet, bulbs out of other different closet.

# it's cool the living room has lamps this was fine #(no it was stupid)

Feb. 9th, 2015 11:36 am
*flails around*

Maybe I have low vitamin D, maybe cod liver oil will solve all my problems forever.

#mom chose to flail around by getting me a lightbox #i am sitting next to it right now per her instructions

Feb. 5th, 2015 08:20 am
I have spent more than half of the past five days asleep.

Feb. 4th, 2015 05:15 pm
I made myself go to the grocery and get mildly unhealthy food (macaroni and cheese) instead of aggressively healthy stuff like I have been, because I’m not really eating the healthy stuff. It’s on the stove now. I’m having a slow-gathering panic attack because of the oppressive weight and density of grocery stores, clouds, wind, me driving a car around, the sound of the water boiling and the kitchen fan, and other similar things that seem to be simultaneously inescapably real and mundane, and impossible to the point of incoherence. It is inappropriate that whatever set of forces comprise the entity which I identify as myself are capable of perceiving but not affecting the world. Were I to destroy the moon, it would then turn out retroactively never to have existed.

There is a pressure differential between my insides and outsides, and a high-pitched squeal like a leaking inflatable toy, but I am not sure which way the atmosphere is pushing, and whether it is leaving me or rushing in.

I have eaten the macaroni and cheese now.

#i'm having a problem and the problem is #the very small problem #probably #(the very small problem is the tag i use for the brain tumor and its symptoms) #(i am basically connected to reality right now i am just trying to express something that happens sometimes) #(less frequently now than it used to)

Feb. 4th, 2015 03:01 pm
I am definitely going to die and it is probably going to be because of a minor decision someone made in a Bioware game.

#my face is a goofy shape and i use Blood Magic #sanitary napkin brand

Feb. 4th, 2015 01:52 pm


# i made a df template to help me express my emotional state # in a mature and lucid manner

Feb. 3rd, 2015 07:59 am
Eating food is hard. And I have to do it multiple times each day, one isn’t enough? This is too much responsibility for me

Jan. 27th, 2015 11:30 pm
Can’t I just hibernate until my body is done with whatever hideous transformative process it is apparently trying to go through right now. Wake up hunched over the stinking crack in the cement floor where my now-withering taproot had burrowed deep into the earth seeking the heat and liquid stone required to catalyze the next phase of my monstrous life.

# i will have seven wings which will be useless to me # seven is too many wings # (i feel really shitty is what this post is trying to say) # (but the kind of shitty wherein i am also jittery hyperactive and ambiguously megalomaniacal)

Dec. 9th, 2014 02:10 pm
Some of the Reddit nootropics guys are buying tianeptine in such large quantities that their usual vendors can't keep it in stock. "It's so helpful!" Tianeptine's an antidepressant; the trade name is Stablon. Saint John's Wort and Modafinil are also quite popular.

A huge proportion of the people involved in these communities are, I guess, just looking for inexpensive methods of treating depression that don't require engaging with the medical apparatus. The hyper-macho talk about improving cognitive function to "give yourself an edge!" + war stories about staying up for three days "coding like BEAST" act as kind of a smoke screen for people uncomfortable defining themselves as depressed.

Dec. 8th, 2014 03:27 pm
If you are the specific sort of nerd who both 1) takes OTC anxiety supplements and 2) is too lazy to want to deal with them in bulk powder form, this is the cheapest I've seen 200mg l-theanine capsules in a while - ~$8 for ninety if you use the coupon code on the front page.

(L-theanine is the stuff that is in tea but not coffee that prevents the tea from making you jittery/anxious like coffee does. My personal diet-and-gloom tracking spreadsheet, which is a thing I have, indicates that when taken with breakfast it's also good as a flip-out-preventative measure even on days I don't consume caffeine. Not useful if I'm already having a meltdown, unfortunately.)
Me: Oh, it's because it's 4:30 PM, and all I've eaten today is a stale muffin.
I do not like the long periods of exhausted-vague-sorta-okay-ness, punctuated by the sudden certainty that I will live to see the world end, a conviction which will last from one to three hours.

Maybe the dosage is too low or the time-release isn't time-releasing right, I don't know. It always happens in the evening.

Apr. 11th, 2014 12:56 pm
I feel like you can't really use Shakespeare's tragedies for this, except maybe for Titus; I think the thing that makes them seem to hit harder is that you can always see ways they didn't have to end the way they did. The protagonists have their necessary Tragic Flaws, yeah - but there's always at least one character in there who seems to have a sense of perspective about shit and thus isn't affected by the Tragedy Gravitational Field, and is just kind of going "what the fuck people, calm down." If they'd been the protagonist, things would probably have been fine!

Which is not the case with Webster and Marlowe. No one is immune to the requirements of the plot in those guys' stuff. Which is fine in its own way, but it gives a very different emotional effect.

("Shakespeare is pretty good and interesting," revolutionary opinion here.)
But the metaphor depends upon knowledge of the works of John Webster, which is a problem in terms of universal comprehensibility.

Here is the metaphor anyway: Try to imagine a happy ending for The White Devil.

See? See?
Because I'm trying to do that every day, as a method of tracking my moods and coherency for future reference in evaluating the effectiveness of these unpleasant psychiatric drugs I'm on.

I could post about my brain or I could post about Sei Shonagon's brain. Different sets of problems with those two brains. I hope, anyway? I hope I don't have Sei Shonagon's problems, buried deep within me. I re-read half of The Pillow Book today, which is more than I've managed to read at a stretch in months, is where this is coming from.

I also listened episode 39 of Night Vale, and was pleased that there was a reference to Barry Hughart's Bridge of Birds. That's a really good book.

This has been my report on my brain, which is probably in my head still. When I knock on the side of my head, it does not make a hollow sound. (I just knocked lightly on the side of my head with my right fist.) Brain's probably in there, it's probably my own brain.

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