Mar. 21st, 2016 03:25 pm
I just had a semi-planned minor surgery and am presently still stoned and sore, so I if you are expecting communications from me please expect delays.

Cut for what the surgery was (and I am posting this here and not Tumblr because it's gross and Tumblr doesn't respect cuts).

Read more... )
Here is a story about his abilities that I think is pretty interesting! And also depressing. Also that.

Warning for death. )
I spent the week house- and pet-sitting for my parents, and except for pet-wrangling and some IT stuff, I spent every motile moment cleaning.

They are really bad about cleaning, okay! They have one of those huge wheeled garbage bins, and I filled it all the way up.

I did about ten loads of laundry, mostly bedding, because Dad leaves blankets lying around everywhere in the winter and the dogs lie on them. They came back late last night. I hadn't yet gotten the last load out of the dryer and into the closet before I went to bed - this load contained a blanket Mom likes and their good flannel bedsheets.

Obviously, when I got up this morning he'd 1) put a pair of his muddy shoes on the table and 2) put the contents of the dryer on top of the shoes.
Me, on the phone: Bye, Mom -

Dad, yelling somewhere behind her: ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TWO CATS

Me: I don't want the cats.

Mom: She doesn't want the cats, dear.

Dad: No! Give me the phone, give it to me!

Mom: *sigh*

Dad, solemnly: Now, honey, listen. There are two new cats here.

Me: I am all catted out.

Buoyancy the Cat, lying beside me apparently asleep: *actually growls??? which he never does??????*

Me: ...And Bu just actually growled??? Which he never does?????? - So, his answer's also no!

Dad: Just come look at them, honey, please.

Me: Take those cats to the shelter.

Dad: No, listen, listen, they're really talented, they're smart, they were singing - they joined hands and sang the Puss in Boots song -

Me: This sounds unlikely, Dad!

Dad: They were singing together the whole way to the house in the car!

Me: This is not a point in the cats' favor.

Dad: The cats are here. They're here at the house. They're here. *hangs up*

(He will probably take them to the shelter.)

Sep. 11th, 2015 01:34 pm
Because I am wasting money lately, I also ordered two well-reviewed $5 knock-offs from here: I got the Silver Mountain Water one (Silver) and the Flower by Kenzo one (Red Rose), since I've wanted to try those.

They apparently got shipped to Mom and Dad's house, and Dad called today to say the he has "your weird box. Were you expecting a weird box, because one's here? It came in the mail. It's here, I've got it. It's a weird box. Should I open it, honey?"

"It's perfume, so I mean, not unless you want to smell fancy -"

"I can't hear you, honey, you're breaking up [garble]."

I have concerns.
Dad, in a crowded family restaurant: I'm really enjoying my new Magic Bullet, I'm using it every day -

Me: Dad! No!

Mom: Dear...

Dad: What? What?!

Me, growing more southern under stress: I swear to god we have talked about that term so many times -

Mom: Can you please just call it a "blender"...

Jul. 14th, 2015 09:33 pm

#dad says stuff #or #mom says stuff #possibly #there's punctuation other than hyphens so mom must have typed it at least

Jun. 30th, 2015 07:25 pm
Dad had a bad day at work or something, so he came over just now and started painting the deck without 1) removing all the deck furniture, 2) clearing off all the acorns and twigs and stuff, 3) bringing enough paint, 4) bringing enough brushes, 5) using up all the paint which he did bring (he got mad at himself and and left), 6) putting away the leftover paint before stomping off, or 7) checking the weather report. There's supposed to be a thunderstorm shortly.

He also left the shed open and knocked over a lamp.

Jun. 26th, 2015 01:17 pm
Me: No, I do not really want to go to an outdoor event while it's raining.

Dad: But it's Hatfield and McCoy Days! It's an important part of your heritage!

Me: Is that what this is? Okay, I am not going to a festival that's ostensibly for murderers.

Dad: Oh, they don't come out in the rain.

Jun. 15th, 2015 09:23 pm
I would recommend against the experience of driving to Cleveland with my Dad while afflicted with a really bad headache + menstrual cramps and he can't find his phone charger or "Starbucks card! the gold card, you know." 1/5 stars to this.

Jun. 7th, 2015 10:56 pm
*phone rings*

Me: Hel -

Dad: Sarah! You need to come to my office tomorrow.

Me: Why?

Dad: Can you come early, like around ten?!

Me: What do you need me to do?

Dad: It's - I'll bring my laptop, it's this Facebook thing, I have too many people on Facebook! I can't get to my real email, it's all just Facebook and I can't get anything done!

Me: Can't you just tell me your email password? I can get in there right now and set up a Facebook filter.

Dad: It's [password]. You can do that?! This really needs to be fixed, honey, I can't -

Me: I'm going to do it right now, and then I'll call you back, okay?

Dad: Okay - but you have to come into town in the morning! You have to - renew your driver's license!

Me: Okay, Dad -

Dad: And you have to bring the cake to the office!
Dad: We're going to a thing for [name], they're giving him an award.

Me: What kind of an award?

Dad: It's a Jewish thing, he's... he's Jew of the Year.

Mom: No.

Dad: He is! It's a Jewish thing, a Jewish organization's giving him an award.

Me: The award is probably not "Jew of the Year."

Mom: It's not.

Dad: Yes, it is! It's a Jewish thing, it'll be full of Jews, and they'll all be like oy gevalt, oy gevalt -

Me: This is exactly why you've never won Jew of the Year.
because I was too tired to have it. It was the meltdown about Dad’s sanitary problems.

Mom: Oh my god. I’m going to - I was cleaning his juicer - I’m going to just leave it like this and show him.

me: That’s not going to work.

Mom: This is disgusting, I’m going to show him what he did.

me: It doesn’t work, Mom, he can’t learn, stuff doesn’t like. Stick to his brain, anymore.

Mom: Dear, look at this. Look at what was in your juicer, I’m cleaning your juicer and -

Dad: No! I cleaned it out!

Mom: Then what is this?!

Dad: I don’t know, I cleaned it out! It’s fine. Is it clean, can I make more juice, I have oranges -

Mom: *small noise* No, you can’t use it! I have to sanitize it first, it needs to be bleached all over - you’re going to kill yourself! You are going to literally poison yourself doing things like this!

Dad: No, it’s fine!

me: He has literally poisoned himself and you and me and everyone else several times that I know of. It has yet to affect his behavior.

Dad: Oh I’m just getting pummeled here. Is that one or two “l”s, “pummeled.”
Buying a toy and thinking “I’m going to have to keep this hidden from Dad, he’ll want one but he’s not old enough.”

Feb. 6th, 2015 06:39 pm
I’m at my parents’ house because I got dizzy enough I was worried I’d fall in the house by myself like a much older version of myself who probably owns more cats.

They both came over to poke at me initially, and I gave dad the laser pointer to keep him occupied because he was standing by the bed looking sad and going “what do you want me to do honey. What do you want me to do. What do you want me to do.”

#'entertain the cat'

Jan. 30th, 2015 10:11 am
The animal shelter has unwisely allowed my father to learn that they have a litter of Saint Bernard puppies. This isn’t going to end well.
-do not wish to be quoted but I have always regarded [name] as the most deceitful and corrupt [person] I have ever encountered-His talents lie in his ability to be a brilliant and charismatic master of deception - and the desire of those who could have held him accountable-to choose to ingratiate themselves to him instead.. The big three skeletons that are all to various extent public record are as follows-

He forgot to actually send it to the reporter.
This was basically just spell-checking pleadings and asking me if his “wording made sense.” He didn’t actually usually change his wording if I said it didn’t, he just enjoyed it when I tried to tell him he was lawyering wrong.

When I was thirteen, though, he had a case in which someone had been found to have some illegal material on his work computer. This guy assured Dad that he’d just gotten said illegal material as attachments to spam, and that he hadn’t wanted any of it.

The prosecution gave us copies of the emails in question with full headers, and the headers obviously rendered these documents far too intimidating for Dad. He got home, handed them to me, and asked me to look over them and explain them to me.

I hope that the information which I have presented here has instilled in you an appropriate sense of dread.

The actual illegal stuff had been redacted out, but the “benign” files had not. These included a photo of a woman posing suggestively next to her horse. This image formed an important part of a long-running conversation that Dad’s client had been having with her!

I have never stopped telling my dad that he is lawyering wrong.

April 2017

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